Undergraduate / common app-- Describing my life as tough [3]

Not meaning to be offensive, but I think you should write on something else for your common application essay. From what I have read, your essay appears to be another "National service sucks" essay.

I am from your school and without looking at your profile, I can tell from miles away that this is a Singaporean's essay. I believe our school counselors have told us countless times NOT to write on National Service because it is too common among Singaporean applicants

But if you insist, I have a few suggestions:

- The portion about suicide sounds too negative and exaggerated. I don't think NSFs (whom I assume you are one) are that dedicated to the service to be so suicidal over "work"?

- I feel that your essay is not focused enough. Perhaps focus on one single event? I am sure there are lots.

- If you want to talk about responsibilities and the difficulties involved in making decisions, you could, perhaps, write about an incident (i.e. outfield exercises or normal in-camp admin) where you had to make a decision that was critical? Write about your thought process in coming up with your decision. I think this will be more helpful.

I hope you will find these comments useful.