gcsm04523
Nov 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / "a helpless laboratory mouse in the US schools" - College Essay [6]
I really need help with this essay. I know that there's lots of grammar mistakes, but due to my limited English skills, I can't really find them and don't really know a way to fix them. So please, proof read, give me some advice and correct any of mistakes I've made.
Also, I am having a problem with the conclusion. So if you have an idea what I could write, please let me know.
Thank you in advance!
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
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Schools in the U.S. have made me feel like a helpless laboratory mouse searching for a piece of savory cheese in a meandering maze. A mouse, trapped in the cage of anxiety and apprehension, barely making a living under the people's scrutiny, is what I was. The anxiety, not able to find the unblocked way which leads to a piece of cheese that I could smell, is what I felt. And the apprehension of being trapped between the walls and dying before I get to taste the cheese is what I worried. Having had lived as a mouse for the last six years, I found myself deplorable and pathetic, and I thought it was finally time for me to get out of that cage.
With a luggage full of clothes and a passport on my hand, I came to the United States on May 13, 2003. At the tender age of 12, I was just elated to have a car in the family, eat fast foods everyday, and sleep on my own bed. But soon after, I had learned that starting a new life in another country was not the way I pictured and realized that getting myself adapted to a new culture was difficult than I had ever imagined, especially when it came to school.
I really need help with this essay. I know that there's lots of grammar mistakes, but due to my limited English skills, I can't really find them and don't really know a way to fix them. So please, proof read, give me some advice and correct any of mistakes I've made.
Also, I am having a problem with the conclusion. So if you have an idea what I could write, please let me know.
Thank you in advance!
Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
------------------------------------------------------------
Schools in the U.S. have made me feel like a helpless laboratory mouse searching for a piece of savory cheese in a meandering maze. A mouse, trapped in the cage of anxiety and apprehension, barely making a living under the people's scrutiny, is what I was. The anxiety, not able to find the unblocked way which leads to a piece of cheese that I could smell, is what I felt. And the apprehension of being trapped between the walls and dying before I get to taste the cheese is what I worried. Having had lived as a mouse for the last six years, I found myself deplorable and pathetic, and I thought it was finally time for me to get out of that cage.
With a luggage full of clothes and a passport on my hand, I came to the United States on May 13, 2003. At the tender age of 12, I was just elated to have a car in the family, eat fast foods everyday, and sleep on my own bed. But soon after, I had learned that starting a new life in another country was not the way I pictured and realized that getting myself adapted to a new culture was difficult than I had ever imagined, especially when it came to school.