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Posts by yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Joined: Nov 10, 2009
Last Post: Nov 18, 2009
Threads: 1
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From: Korea, Republic of

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yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy   
Nov 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "got a call announcing that I had the job" - common app short answer-activity [10]

This is an answer to the short answer question(about one of my activities) in the common app.
I'm quite ready to revise this one, so I'll be glad to have any kinds of comments! (word limit-150)

"Hello? I'm calling from Cafe Ti-amo. I think you are a good match with us. Can you work starting from tomorrow?"
One ordinary day, a brilliant idea struck me. If I could work at a cafe, I would be able to make money and read books at the same time, when there were no customers around. But as it turned out, every franchise-cafe had set the minimum age of employees at 18. Unwilling to accept that I had to give up my ambitions because of age, I dropped by every cafe in my town and gave them my resume. I explained why I was perfectly suited for the job, both mentally and physically. My hard work did pay off - I eventually got a call announcing that I had the job. I was able to reshape a small part of the world, at age of sixteen, by simply not giving in.
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "got a call announcing that I had the job" - common app short answer-activity [10]

Wow, all these comments were awesome!
I just re-worded the whole essay ..
I wanted to convey more specific ideas like you guys pointed out but it was really tough, mainly because of the word limit(150 words). This essay now has 154 words- any ideas how to shorten it?

Re-written essay :

"Hello? You're the one we've been looking for. Can you start working from tomorrow?"

One day, an idea of getting a job at a cafe struck me. I thought that it would be great to make money and learn to make coffee, at the same time. Unfortunately, every franchise cafe turned out to have set the minimum age of employees at 18. Unwilling to give up my ambitions because of age, I chose not to acquiesce. Instead, I dropped by every cafe in the town with copies of my resume and expounded upon the irrationality of age barrier; I kept on explaining that I was responsible enough, and physically no weaker than ordinary 18-year-olds. Finally, my hard work did pay off. One of the coffeeshops decided to repeal the age policy, and hired me. By simply not giving in, I was able to reshape a small part of the world, at age of sixteen.

Thank you again!
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