Posts by mvo

mvo_rey

Jun 18, 2024

Scholarship / Essay on 'why should we consider you?' for a scholarship [2]

The prompt is 'why should we consider you?' and the organization is focused on helping indigent students. Please help me make this essay better

In 2021, while volunteering for an outreach, I met a boy who had lost his sight due to a Neglected Tropical Disease (NTDs) called trachoma. This disease is treatable, but the cost of the medication was beyond the reach of his parents. That event encouraged me to carry out my undergraduate project in drug discovery as I realized that this is the reality of many other children. My goal is to become a Medicinal Chemist and work to develop affordable alternatives for the treatment of NTDs in order to ensure that no one suffers that same fate. To achieve this, I need to gain the best possible training I can and experience the best techniques for drug design and development. Being the child of a trader, I lack the means to pay for the required exams and application fees, this scholarship represents an opportunity for me to achieve my goals.

mvo_rey

Jun 22, 2024

Writing Feedback / Prolonging lifespan - life expectancy is increasing. [3]

"Some people would argue that longer lives could bring more positive aspects. From my perspective, in contrast, I do believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks."

In the second sentence i've excerpted from your essay above, you frame your words like you have a differing opinion to the preceding sentence by saying 'in contrast'. But your essay clearly agrees with that sentence.

You should rework it to either have a contrasting statement in the first sentence.
E.g "some people would argue that longer lives could bring about detrimental effects in the long term." From my perspective, in contrast, I do believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

Also, in a more general sense, you have not given enough reasons as to why you actually support prolonged lives.

You actually have more content on why it is a bad idea than why you advocate for it, this means you should include more content on how prolonged lifespans can be a gain for a society in more specific terms in order to meet the word requirements as stated by educational consultant. However, do not include unnecessary words for the sake of word counts or that will lose you marks

Finally, you can expand more on the importance of maintaining birthrates as I believe this perspective can make your essay unique to you as opposed to simply choosing a side.

Good luck!

mvo_rey

Jun 23, 2024

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 The media should limit how much bad news they report [3]

In addition to what the consultant has said, you may want to carefully proofread essays. You have written 'awaring' which isn't a real word.

Furthermore, a lot of your statements are quite confusing. Try reading them, aloud if necessary, and then altering your sentences to improve readability