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Posts by yamitohikari2217
Name: Nguyễn Thị Thanh Hằng
Joined: Sep 3, 2024
Last Post: Sep 7, 2024
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  
From: Viet Nam
School: Trịnh Hoài Đức High School

Displayed posts: 4
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yamitohikari2217   
Sep 3, 2024
Writing Feedback / professional athletes - role models [2]

Some people believe that professional athletes should be role models for young people. Others argue that athletes' personal lives should not influence their public image. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about whether expert athletes should be adolescent role models. Despite their significantly profound influence on young people, I believe that their lives ought to be separated from the public image.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some people think that professional athletes should become an exceptional example for teenagers. To begin with, skillful people involved in sports are usually thought to be role models who can embolden young people. One of the most commonly cited reasons is that athletes often demonstrate discipline, hard work, and perseverance, which are crucial qualities that adolescents can emulate. By observing how athletes maintain strict training regimens, follow dietary guidelines, and overcome injuries or failures, young people can learn the importance of consistency and dedication in pursuing their goals. Moreover, athletes frequently set goals and work tirelessly to achieve them, which can teach teenagers the value of setting personal objectives and striving towards them, regardless of obstacles. For instance, a young person might be motivated to engage in sports and develop a healthier lifestyle by following the example of a disciplined athlete. As a result, this can extend beyond physical fitness, encouraging the youth to adopt a more structured approach to their academics or other pursuits.

On the other hand, I firmly hold the view that sports experts' lives should be separated from their civil abstracts. First and foremost, everyone has flaws, and it is important to recognize that athletes are human beings with private lives, just like anyone else. This can be explained that they may face personal challenges or make mistakes that do not necessarily reflect their professional abilities or public persona. In addition, focusing too much on the personal lives of athletes can detract from their achievements and contributions to their sport. Therefore, society should allow athletes to maintain a level of privacy and separate their struggles from their public roles as entertainers and sports figures. Besides, a sports expert who excels in the field may not have a perfect personal life, but their achievements in sports should be the primary focus. Taking Michael Phelps, an American former competitive swimmer, as a common example, despite facing personal challenges, is primarily celebrated for his unparalleled success in swimming rather than his private life.

In conclusion, although professional athletes being ideal models for teenagers is advantageous to some extent, it seems to me that it is better to let them have privacy without suffering from their public appearances.
yamitohikari2217   
Sep 7, 2024
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Prison sentences [2]

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe that there are better alternative ways to reduce crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In this period of globalization, crime rates are increasingly higher, which makes people question whether to apply longer prison sentences to those who crimes. While some think that this way is the best answer to tackle the problem of crime rates, I do believe that there are various alternatives for governments to execute.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some individuals think that letting criminals in long-term verdicts can reduce infraction percentages. One of the most commonly cited reasons is it acts as a strong deterrent. To begin with, the fear of long-term incarceration can significantly discourage individuals from engaging in criminal activities. When people know that the consequences of their actions could lead to many years or even whole lives in prison, the psychological impact from that can be powerful enough to make them reconsider. In addition, longer sentences ensure that repeat offenders are kept off the streets for extended periods, reducing the risk of them committing additional crimes. This also sends a strong message to society that criminal behaviors will not be tolerated and that severe consequences await those who break the law. A good example of this is Singapore, a country with strict sentencing laws, which often reports lower crime rates due to the stringent enforcement of penalties and the extended sentences given to those convicted of serious crimes.

On the other hand, I would maintain that there is a variety of solutions to solve criminals' high rates instead of using long-term incarceration mentioned. First and foremost, alternative methods like rehabilitation and education can be more effective and suitable for replacing longer sentences. To explain, addressing the root causes of crime, ranging from poverty, and lack of education to social inequality, can lead to more sustainable reductions in infraction rates. In order to comprehensively apply this to society, governments should invest in rehabilitation programs that focus on helping offenders reintegrate into society by providing them with the skills and education they need to find employment can minimize the likelihood of reoffending. These programs should include vocational training, psychological counseling, and substance abuse treatment, which target the underlying issues that may have led individuals to commit crimes in the first place. Furthermore, community outreach programs that concentrate on preventing crime through education and social support can help at-risk individuals before they turn to criminal activities. In other words, programs that offer vocational training to inmates have been shown to decrease the likelihood of them returning to crime after release. For instance, Norway's prison system emphasizes rehabilitation over punishment, resulting in one of the lowest recidivism rates in the world.

In conclusion, although publishing long-term verdicts with the aim of diminishing crime percentages is advantageous to some extent, it seems to me that it is better to take replacing alternatives, ranging from rehabilitation to education, into account.
yamitohikari2217   
Sep 7, 2024
Writing Feedback / Ielts 2. Discussing both of these view about Space Travel. [3]

Well, after reading your essay, I have some comment above:
Firstly, regarding the word count, the format of the article, and some other minor errors, I agree with @Holt's opinion.
Secondly, I would also like to give you feedback on the following grammatical errors:
- "A lot of research have shown " -> a lot of research has shown
- "that help to operate" -> that helps to operate
- "these fuel are non-renewable" -> these fuels are non-renewable
- "create the new one" -> create new ones ( because "ones" replaces the phrase "these fuels")
- "which give a hand in create fuel " -> which gives a hand in creating fuel
- After "Moreover," add a comma.
- "a dangerous and complicated work which can threaten" -> a dangerous and complicated work that can threaten (you should look more into how to use "which" and "that" in relative clauses)
- "who studying about space travel area" -> You can drop the word "about" to make the sentence sound less cluttered, and change "area" to "areas."
- In "some aspects," there should be an extra comma.
- "space travel also give a hand " -> space travel also gives a hand
- "gives a hand to develop human life" -> gives a hand with developing human life (The correct structure is "give someone a hand with something/doing something")
- "so invest in space travel" -> so investing in space travel (because in this case "invest in space travel" is functioning as the subject, so the verb "invest" needs to be in the "ing" form.)
- "help us a lot" -> helps us a lot
- "knowledge about the space" - knowledge about space (Don't use articles with words like nature, society, and space when referring to them in general, and only use them when you're talking about a specific space that both the speaker and listener are familiar with, for example: "the space in my room.")
- "i think that" -> I think that
- "give us a lot of advantage " -> gives us a lot of advantages
- "in some aspect" -> in some aspects,
- "how to limit" - how to limit it
- "fall in" -> fall into ("Fall in" is often used to refer to falling into a certain position, usually inside a space, or it can mean to join in, like "fall in line." On the other hand, "fall into" means to start doing something without any prior plan. Furthermore, "fall into" can also describe falling into a specific situation or state.)
NOTE: this is just my personal opinion, and if I've misunderstood or not been clear about your point, I hope you can forgive me. Also, I think it would be great if you used "In conclusion," in the closing part to make the style sound more formal, and don't forget to include @Holt's comments too.
yamitohikari2217   
Sep 7, 2024
Writing Feedback / Men and women should not share the same responsibilities [4]

@nghiadeptrai123
Well, from my own experience, I think that you should have to fix some grammatical errors:
- "taking charge for" -> taking charge of
- "biased preference of occupations " -> biased preference for occupations
- "in contemporary context" -> in a/the contemporary context
- "was dominated in traditional society" -> was dominant in traditional society ("Dominated" is the past tense of the verb "dominate," meaning being influenced or controlled, while "dominant" is an adjective that refers to a state of having power or superiority. "Dominant" usually describes characteristics or qualities, while "dominated" emphasizes being affected or controlled by another force.)
- "sharing housework with their wife " -> sharing housework with their wives (because you had used "more males" before)
- "financial contributors to their family" -> financial contributors to their families
NOTE: this is just my personal opinion, so if I happened to misunderstand your point, I hope you can forgive me!
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