Undergraduate / "Sindoor": Why Mac? Supplemental Essay for Macalester College [7]

So I won't go into how I stumbled into this website or your essay but here I am. I should preface that I am a Macalester student that is not majoring in the humanities (ie English) and unconnected with admissions or any of that type of administration. I am going to give you the same advice that was given to me; it doesn't really matter what you write, as long as you are sincere.

Anyways. Your beginning anecdote (in theory) is great. But, it lacks in the retelling of the story and has awkward phrasing. Your second half of your essay is good. By the end, you sold it to me.

I would work on tenses and your adjectives/adverbs. Be real, don't try to add in descriptions which even I can tell are there to stretch the story but not add to the effect. You should clear up the fourth paragraph, it seems to convey a lot but it ends up squashing too much without driving home your most important features. Slow that paragraph down.

Good luck! Contact me should you need anything else.

Undergraduate / "Sindoor": Why Mac? Supplemental Essay for Macalester College [7]

The first few paragraphs are a bit...forced. Your descriptions were a bit...over done. Why don't you just say it as naturally as they come to you? I am not an English major nor have I taken an English course at Mac yet (I hear they are good :)) but I think sincerity is closely related to originality in telling the story as how you see it. I mean, blonde as white washed bone? Is that what you really think blonde to be described as?

...playing our fifth-grade sense of thrill as deftly as the electronic keyboard at the back of her classroom (erm, I was totally confused by this on the first read. Make it an easy read the first time. Pick a more relatable metaphor).

...white as washed bone (what does washed bones have to do with anything?) ...but she can't reconcile this neighborhood (what is "this"? I'm so confused. Be direct) of pop-top ranchers and ancient trees with the dust of her Foreign Service house, where they set out their leftover bread on the high, high walls (for once you lost your metaphors for "high, high"? You can do better than that.)for the poor to eat.

I would seriously rework the first part as much as you can.