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Posts by J724
Joined: Jan 1, 2010
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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J724   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Contribution you have made to a community - GMU undergraduate admissions essay [4]

please read this essay and give me some feedback
i need some ideas as to how i could fix it. thanks for reading

it sounds a little weird. i dont know what though.

here is the prompt

In approximately 250 words, tell us about the most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you listed under ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP on this application. This personal statement is required. Since you are applying online, you must submit your statement with this application in the space provided.

I am selfish. I am selfish for wanting everything. If I see something I like, it's in my possession instantly. Life is not always easy and I think to myself,while i was growing up I took a lot of things for granted and I should have been more aware.

My parents always told me I should be thankful for what I have. I did not realize how right they were. Joining the student government association is one of the most wonderful experience of my high school career. It became part of my everyday life. Giving back to the school felt like a compulsion instead of an obligation; it was morally right to give back to the school.

One day the student government offered a community service opportunity. And If I completed the two hours of the offered community service I would not have to do the requirement of five hours of community service. I decided to do it and get my service hours over with.

I went to help Our Neighbors, a non-profit community-based organization that provides holiday gifts to low income families. I walked in the storage warehouse full of toys and gifts. I wondered if this was really going to thousands of kids. Loading the toys onto the truck up for delivery was exhausting, but I knew I must go on. I was so focused that time flew by; instead of two hours, I stayed three more. I felt so happy even though I was not getting any of the gifts.

I understand what my parents was trying to tell me all along. There are many families and kids who are less fortunate and cannot get everything they want. I would get things just because i like it, and not use them any more. There are kids dying to have the latest toys and gadgets, but cannot afford it. This changed my perspective, and each bag that was loaded into the truck, I thought of kids. I imagined them opening the bag full of toys. It made me warm inside. Then i was selfish because I wanted to help out more. I was selfish wanting to give away more. I was selfish to see the smiling faces of the community.
J724   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Rice supplement - short answer. why the Natural Sciences school? [6]

I like knowing how things work. As a little girl, I would sit next to my mother as soon as I saw her revising her students' work on plant anatomy. Her old textbooks on plant physiology fascinated me; the detailed pictures of the intricate inside of a plant's stem transfixed me. My mother answered my questions as best as she could, often shrinking the facts so that my eight-year-old mind could comprehend them.

^^ This first paragraph was well written. i really enjoyed reading this.

The images, however, were carved into my mind and a flame sparked. My International Baccalaureate Biology classes fed that fire; now, a senior in high school ( ,now, a high school senior (maybe?) or Now, all i can see...? ) all I can see myself doing is learning more about living tissue and cell behavior, not just how, but why.

i see can see why you are having a hard time shortening it, its really good.
J724   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / What is normal? my USC essay, [5]

"Don't let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel", this was mentioned by Melissa Etheridge, a famous American signer who lives a life with cancer.

Melissa Etheridge and I have something in common; we're (maybe put we are?) both unique in our own way.

Every now and then (maybe you can say Periodically i ask myself) I asked myself, "Why would you try to fit in when you were born to standout?" I have always known the answer all along. It's best to be who you are.
J724   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / I absolutely love the notion of diverse community; U Maryland College [3]

Hi i need some suggestions on my essay.
The first paragraph seems awkward and so does the conclusion. Thanks for your help.

The University of Maryland prides itself on being an inclusive community that celebrates differences, brings together people from the widest array of backgrounds and perspectives, and recognizes that excellence cannot be achieved without diversity. What do you look forward to gaining from the diversity of the University of Maryland community?

(approx. 300)

Diversity is a vigorous influence that can only bring excellence in the world. Many distinctive cultures, religions, traditions and lifestyles is what makes life interesting. Diversity is the gateways to doors and opportunities, that everyone should be able to pass. We all should celebrate and appreciate how the community is diversified at the University of Maryland Community. It is the diversity which makes up a community.

I absolutely love the notion of diverse community. As I was growing up, I lived in a town, where there was not much diversity. There was no color, religions and people who were a bit different, nor did they know what diversity in a community looked like. I was one of few minorities who lived in the area. People where fascinated by how I looked and what I practice. They had acted, if I was an alien.

So my parents packed up the luggage and headed southwest. Nothing unusual or peculiar than where I lived before. I walked into the halls of education, was stunned to see the different cultures, lifestyles, and religions of the people. It was like I entered a whole new world. As I walked down the lobby, everyone was different, the flow of clashing languages glided through my ear, it sounded like gibberish. Was I in a foreign country? Wrong. People here loved to express their different cultures and practices. I was weary about my new school at first but, then I fell in love with it. Students here actually loved and appreciate where they came from. They cherish their cultures and lifestyles as if it was their own. The smile in my face uplifts every single time I promenade through the halls, as if I won the lottery. And come to think, I won something, and it was acceptance. That is why I look forward to gain diversity and calling the community of University of Maryland Home.
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