Undergraduate / I am good at computer science; Carnegie Mellon- Why I chose CMU [10]

Hi, I'm a Carnegie Mellon student, and here's my input

- Explain AP Phoenix, or use a different term (my second class of senior year). I've never heard of it.

- Take out 1-2 of the 'I'm not's. The essay is short, use up to 3 negatives.

- So you're good at computers and programming... you haven't explained:
--if it was from school or your own initiative
--what kind of projects you did (a game you wanted to make, for example)
--MOST IMPORTANT: what you'd like to do with technology someday. Make it some great, glorious contribution to society
--Finally, concede more in the "teach me" part. You want to do X with technology someday, you know you have miles to go, you see Carnegie Mellon does that kind of research.

- A CS professor would not say you "program" with SQL. Use a different verb for SQL and a 3rd verb for HLSL, whatever fits.

- "to play a game of solitaire, to what technology is now, is unbelievable, and"
Remove the 1st and 2nd commas in that phrase. Also, if it's alright, call your teacher "Mr. Baker" and remove the "(in my opinion)".