TropicalGuy
May 11, 2010
Scholarship / Implementation of the universal healthcare / Paul Goodman essay contest [4]
Hi smallville,
Overall I feel your essay is well written and informative, but I think it can be improved in some areas:
1. Don't use wikipedia as a source. Do a google search limited to .pdf documents and you will probqbly find the same information you cited from a far more reliable and scientific source.
2. I think you could start your essay with something more creative, a hook. Maybe describing in more detail why you think the universal healthcare is really the most important issue we have.For example, you could contrast other issues such as crime and violence with healthcare, to put things in perspective (just an idea, you will probably have a better one).
3. Finally, I feel that in some parts of the essay you deviate from your thesis and spend to much time talking talking about statistics and the like (btw, instead of citing usa today go into bea.gov and get the stat from there, the original source USA today probably used).
Hope this helps.
Hi smallville,
Overall I feel your essay is well written and informative, but I think it can be improved in some areas:
1. Don't use wikipedia as a source. Do a google search limited to .pdf documents and you will probqbly find the same information you cited from a far more reliable and scientific source.
2. I think you could start your essay with something more creative, a hook. Maybe describing in more detail why you think the universal healthcare is really the most important issue we have.For example, you could contrast other issues such as crime and violence with healthcare, to put things in perspective (just an idea, you will probably have a better one).
3. Finally, I feel that in some parts of the essay you deviate from your thesis and spend to much time talking talking about statistics and the like (btw, instead of citing usa today go into bea.gov and get the stat from there, the original source USA today probably used).
Hope this helps.
