Writing Feedback / "I had a blood disorder" - help with Descriptive Personal Essay [3]

Essay #1 (Online) - Descriptive Personal Essay
Write an essay that describes a significant moment or brief event in your life. The moment or event you choose should be significant because of what you learned from it. You should include enough details so that your audience knows what is going on, but do not get so carried away with details that your audience becomes confused or bored by an excess of information. Your essay should include reflection, or thoughtful consideration of what has happened to you. The reader should have a sense of what you took away from the experience.

"A new lease on life"
The most significant day of my life was the day I found out I had my blood disorder. From the moment the hematologist read my blood work results to me, my life has never been the same. It is always something that is on my mind and changes the way I live my life.

While waiting in the consult room at the hematologist's office, I sat in the most uncomfortable chair I had ever sat in. I was looking at all of his medical degrees on the wall and wondering what he was going to come in and say to me. My heart was racing a mile a minute, and I did not know what to expect. I had never been in a situation like this before.

When the doctor came in I jumped up like lightening shot through my body. He introduced himself as Dr. Eagle and reached his hand to shake mine. He was middle- aged with salt and pepper hair. He had a deep voice. Dr. Eagle, wearing blue scrubs and smelling of latex, looked as if he had just come from surgery. Dr. Eagle must have noticed that my hand was trembling and that my voice was shaking when I said hello.

He gestured his hand for me to sit back down in the uncomfortable chair, and he sat down next to me at the conference table. He placed a few files down and looked at me. He asked, "So what prompted your doctor to send you in and be tested for a clotting disorder?" I took a deep breath and sighed, wishing my doctor would have already sent all his notes. I did not want to go through the process of yet again telling my story. "Well", I said "my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother had deep vein thromboses, but they called it bad legs." He shook his head and took note of what I said on a piece of paper he had taken out of one of the file folders. He asked, "So, what about you personally? Have you had any clots?" I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Yes, I have had three. What's wrong with me?" He leaned back in his chair, balanced his pen between his pointer and middle fingers and asked, "Have any of the women in your family been diagnosed with a blood disorder?" I looked at him, shook my head, and answered no.

Finally, he opened the file labeled with my name written in red ink. He then pulled out the results of my blood work I had done a few weeks prior. Dr. Eagle said "Holli, you have an inherited disorder called Factor V Leiden." He said it like this was something that he said every day. Then without taking a breath, he said having Factor V meant I have an increased tendency for my blood to clot. This can lead to sometimes serious and /or life-threatening complications depending on the condition of the clot. I repeated the word inherited. Upset by the news I had just been given, I asked, "So is this what all the women in my family have suffered from?" Why didn't any of their Doctors ever realize this?" I rose from my chair and walked over to the window. Looking at the beautiful Carolina blue sky and the birds flying around, anxiously I asked, "Does this mean I'm going to die from a clot like my great-Grandmother or have horrible ulcers on my legs like my grandmother?" At this point I started to cry. I kept looking out the window in order to avoid looking at Dr. Eagle. In that crushing moment I felt I had been handed a death sentence.

Next thing I knew he was standing at the window with me, and Dr. Eagle reassured me "No, Holli! You are not, and do you want to know why?" I choked back tears and said, "Why?" He said, "It's simple. You are diagnosed. Your family members weren't." I turned back around to face him. I asked, "Ok, tell me what this means." He started by saying that the first thing that we are going to do is put me on a baby aspirin regiment. This would keep my blood from clotting. Dr. Eagle then said the most profound words I think I have ever heard, "Knowing is half the battle," and now I knew.

Walking out of the hospital annex that day, I felt like even though I had just gotten some really bad news, I was alive, and I knew I was strong enough to fight! I decided as I was walking up the hill to my Jeep, with the sun baking my face, I was going to educate myself. I realized with Dr. Eagle's help, that knowing as much as possible about this disease would prevent it from getting the best of me!

Writing Feedback / Compare and Contrast Essay- sibling/no sibling [2]

I am worried about being redundant and about my grammar. Please help! Be critical!

The bond between siblings is the most enduring bond that any of us experiences, this bond is not as demanding and critical as that of our parents, children or spouse and this is potentially longest relationship we will ever have in life. The bond that is shared with siblings helps to determine the quality of bond we will experience with our other relationships in life.

Children who have brothers and sisters usually have more perspective of life than the only children. Sibling relationships can teach children the differences between the views of life, not just only from parents but it is also from their brothers and sisters close to their own age. The first thing that children who have brothers and sisters can learn is how to share with others. This helps to develop social skills at a young age, which are crucial throughout life. Although sometimes children just want to keep something for theirs own, they have to think about their siblings before doing that every time. It is just like a conception of sharing. Children with siblings are able to make and maintain friendships. However, the only child in a family has all the things that are given. They don't have to worry about their sibling who they have to share with or think about. However, if the only child is around other children that do share, it can cause an altercation.

In early childhood, children who have brothers and sisters, have constant companions and playmates, they can play games together, have conversations, learn to play make-believe and share problems with each other. Having siblings also teaches younger siblings things such as learning to walk and talk sooner, because the younger child will try and imitate with the older child is doing. They can also help to take care of each other. The older sibling can help the younger siblings with learning to make their bed, play football, basketball or help with homework. There is no limit to what siblings can do for each other. In comparison to only children who receive more of their parents' attention, which may give them an advantage with help with homework, more playtime with dad or mom, and perhaps more or better toys, educational items, clothes, etc. because there is more money available. But, only children may not have the opportunity to socialize as much with other children. Days can be long with them. These parents may go to the parks more, and join mommy and me groups to help their children learn to interact with other children.

As an adult, one usually finds a happy memory of their childhood to share with another person, of the relationship with their sibling. This could bring back feelings of happiness or hostility, depending on the severity of sibling rivalry. For some siblings, the rivalry carries on into adulthood and becomes unhealthy. On the other hand, a possible disadvantage for only children when they get older and reflect back on their childhood memories, is that they may regret not having a sibling. At the time, it may have seemed better to be the only child and have more physical things and attention. But upon growing older, they may miss the bond and relationship they could have had.

In conclusion, an only child will always be just that. Once older, the family does not extend and they will not know the joy of having nieces and nephews and the special bonds and memories that come along with that. Also, the relationships among brothers and sisters are boundlessly varied, but whatever their characteristics, these bonds last throughout life. After the loss of a parent, a sibling is the only on that can truly understand what you are going through as well as the pain of your loss.