Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

Thanks a lot fifteen symbols and Kevin, I will consider this and pose the second draft as soon as possible :">

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

Here is my 2nd draft, I have changed the first paragraph and made some minor changes for the rest. Please give me some advises for the 3rd paragraph, I want to talk about all the elements such as cutting-edge technology, historic culture, the pleasant atmosphere, strong academic program and great consideration about athletic. However I do not know how to put them in sentences and 'establishing a rhythm of sorts, or busting out a thesaurus' as 15 symbols advised. Thanks for your help!

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

I have changed the 3rd paragraph into this, please comment :D
I always want things to get done quickly, can Kevin or anyone please tell me how much more I should put in this SOP to get it 'good'?

3rd paragraph:

Before: It is my goal to pursue an undergraduate degree in graphic design at the Savannah College of Art and Design. The most appealing aspect of SCAD is the harmonious balance between the academic environment with cutting-edge technology, the historic culture and the pleasant atmosphere of the parks and beaches, and also between academic quality and athletic consideration.

After: It is my goal to pursue an undergraduate degree in graphic design at the Savannah College of Art and Design. The most appealing aspect of SCAD is the professional academic environment with cutting-edge technology. With this technology and dedication, the students will be able to accomplish their best artwork without any limitation.

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

Thanks A. Smith very much!!!!

During my high secondary, my teachers kept bombarding me with essays, lab reports and portfolios, that is why I'm so sick of them now @_@! I want to complete and send this SOP as soon as possible so that I will have time to do my PORTFOLIO (10 best artworks, can be submitted online) and party :P

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

I have edited the 4th paragraph, please comment!!!

Before: My first introduction to the field of graphic design came when I took an after-school class called Arena Multimedia. In six months, I learned how to use Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign. It was when that I took a basic design course in which we had to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company and I would make three of them. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I learned how to combine text, images, shapes and master the effects, animations in iWork Keynote to make presentations for the subjects I studied.

After: My first introduction to the field of graphic design came when I took an after-school class called Arena Multimedia. In six months, I learned how to use Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign. It was then when I took a basic design course which required me to design the corporate identity for a soft drink company. I made three of them and they were all placed as the best designs in my class. In the beginning of 2008, I was shifted to study the International Baccalaureate Diploma Programme in India. Instead of dropping out classes that did not interest me, I tried to make some presentations for the subjects I studied. I learned how to combine text, images, shapes and master the effects, animations in iWork Keynote, and I found this fascinating.

Undergraduate / SOP in Graphic Design - SCAD, problems with grammar and vocabulary [12]

Thanks Kevin! I will make changes and consider this the final draft. It might be a naive decision but... I feel good about the essay, hope that the international admission at SCAD will like it :D

Thanks everyone, wish me luck!!!!