Undergraduate / 'a science television show' - University of California Admissions Essay #2 [2]

Essay #2
I decided to apply to UC's at the last moment.
Please help me correct this as I know there are many errors in this essay!!

The University of California has a long history of students who have a plethora of talents, experiences, contributions, and personal qualities that supplies the colleges with a well-rounded student body. As a child, I always wondered about the future and about my talents. Characteristics of a jock were something I didn't seem to have. One day when I was watching a science television show, I began to be fascinated at how certain liquids would produce devastating solutions. Science is a big part of my life and still continues to be today. Every year, there was a requirement to take a new science. This requirement was the greatest accomplishment the California Education System has ever achieved. Chemistry was the subject that fascinated me the most. Dr. Brown, a chemistry teacher, was the greatest influence of my entire education. He worked with me as much as he could in order to satisfy my hunger for science. Every exam that I took, it would pleasure me because I loved chemistry dearly. Formulas, liquids, matter were parts of chemistry that enchanted me extremely. Chemistry is an interest that I hope I will master and I will bring that excitement to the University of California.

Undergraduate / Great things don't come easy; UC Admission [6]

Thanks for the help Sarah for critiquing my essay and I would like to recieve your services again.
This is Essay #3

Simon Chu
11-06-1987
Personal Statement

Simon Chu
11-06-1987
Personal Statement

Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?

Great Opportunities are some things that don't come very often. When I was growing up in Oakland, California, with my younger brother only to support me in school, my life was hellish. Burglaries, rape, and murder were common things in my neighborhood with 3 murders coming around a 3 block radius of where I lived. Gun shots and fire-crackers were common things to hear on the streets of Seminary Ave. All I could think of during that violent period was to get out as soon as possible as I feared extremely for the well-being of my life and my family. With firecrackers and gun shots coming left and right, I had a hard time studying. After seeing a group of men fleeing away from my house, which I later found out that it had been burglarized, I knew I had to get into college at all costs and someday stabilize my neighborhood. Living with fear in my neighborhood was an unfortunate circumstance and with my parents low salary it was impossible to gain a college education. College was my opportunity of a one-way ticket out of my bad neighborhood.

My mother and father worked low-paying jobs only to support me into going to school. They came from a village in the province of Canton, China. During the communist era in China, my mother and father were lucky enough to attend school. Although they attended school, my father only passed the 4th grade and had to work on the farm to support his family. My mother was lucky enough to go through a few more grades then my father. She also had to quit school and work on the farm. I had trouble in math and English in high-school because neither of my parents was well educated in the fields of math and English. My parents still have limited English since they have been here for about 20 years.

My mother and father immigrated to the United States in the 1980s. She told me stories about how $1 could buy a week full of groceries because she didn't make much when she first immigrated. With that in mind, my mother told me to value everything that I had and to go to college in order to live a prosperous life. It became apparent that my parents didn't know how to do math when I showed them my 3rd grade homework which included multiplication and division problems. Since my younger brother was no help at all since he was in kindergarten, I had to rely on my own skills and had to read more than the other students to get the material. My first language was Chinese because my parents didn't speak English. I thought that I was proficient in English until I found out in middle school that I was stuck in an ESL, English as a Second Language, class. It was a hard task to break-away from my ESL class, but I accomplished this goal by reading a plethora of books. Every night, I would go over the materials that were learned the next day in order to learn what the teacher was lecturing about. College is a stepping-stone that I must accomplish in order to live a wealthy and happy life.

Being accepted to a University of California will be one of the many great accomplishments I will ever fulfill. The University of California has a great number of colleges to attend and being a student will fulfill my dream. If I am accepted to a University of California, I will change the lives of people around the world

Undergraduate / Psychology; Intended major/ Interest in the field/ Experience [5]

Thanks for all the help Sarah and if you could please correct this last essay, I would be EXTREMELY GRATEFUL!!

Simon Chu
11-06-1987
Personal Statement

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the field developed and any experience you have had in the field such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities and what you have gained from your activities.

College majors are one of the toughest decisions that students across the world make. Being an incoming junior, I have to choose diligently as the major I select will have a big impact on my life. Psychology is the major I intend to major in because my interest in this field grew due to my life experiences and my employment. When I started to work at Albertson's, a grocery store, I saw a need for reform. One day on a break from working, I saw a drunk who came into my store and started yelling. I realized he must have had a mental disorder and I never saw him again. This incident persuaded me that our society needed to be treated for disorders. When I entered the doors of my psychology class at Merritt College, Mr. Slaughter, psychology teacher, greeted me and welcomed me into his class. I began to get interested into subjects such as phobias and disorders. A disorder that made me admire psychology was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was a disorder that was common in war veterans. Psychology has influenced me to be more accepting of mental patients and I hope to major in this field.