zmint
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / What lessons have you learned from it? -- painting [6]
Grammatically, you've got a few problems, but those can be fixed with a good word processor, so I won't waste your time with comma placements and silly things like that.
I love the feel of your essay, I just think the flow of the intro can be fixed slightly to really give it an impact. This is how I would change it:
Thinking about my childhood days, I must reflect upon days spent indoors waiting for rain to end. I spent most days waiting for the sound of my parents' car crunching gravel, announcing their arrival in the driveway.I spent most days waiting, while other children entertained themselves in lands of fantasy, roaming around their houses, pretending to be gladiators or heroes. I watched on the sidelines, not understanding.Their fantasies were so grounded in imagination, while I found inspiration in my reality.
I think this better communicates the message of your essay. You contradict yourself, I think, when you say that you were "firmly stuck to your reality" and yet found solace in artistic activities, which are pretty much based upon creativity, and some would say: imagination. So, without changing your piece, I offered a way to kind of offset that contradiction. I kept all of your words and ideas there, just re-worded a few sentences.
I like the way you end it, actually. Simple and yet closes out the idea well. I would say your diction is okay, just have your teacher go over the grammar or do a double-check on grammar with Microsoft Word or whatever you use.
Good luck!
Grammatically, you've got a few problems, but those can be fixed with a good word processor, so I won't waste your time with comma placements and silly things like that.
I love the feel of your essay, I just think the flow of the intro can be fixed slightly to really give it an impact. This is how I would change it:
Thinking about my childhood days, I must reflect upon days spent indoors waiting for rain to end. I spent most days waiting for the sound of my parents' car crunching gravel, announcing their arrival in the driveway.I spent most days waiting, while other children entertained themselves in lands of fantasy, roaming around their houses, pretending to be gladiators or heroes. I watched on the sidelines, not understanding.Their fantasies were so grounded in imagination, while I found inspiration in my reality.
I think this better communicates the message of your essay. You contradict yourself, I think, when you say that you were "firmly stuck to your reality" and yet found solace in artistic activities, which are pretty much based upon creativity, and some would say: imagination. So, without changing your piece, I offered a way to kind of offset that contradiction. I kept all of your words and ideas there, just re-worded a few sentences.
I like the way you end it, actually. Simple and yet closes out the idea well. I would say your diction is okay, just have your teacher go over the grammar or do a double-check on grammar with Microsoft Word or whatever you use.
Good luck!