Posts by KendiaMarie

KendiaMarie

Nov 9, 2010

Undergraduate / "Pride in my African-American heritage, math is fine too" - SOP [4]

I need help with statements for a college application. I just need for them to be proofread. I want someone else's opinion on what to change or what not to change. I want them to be PERFECT!

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Statement One;
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

My presence will enrich the community in many ways. I have a lot to offer this campus and the community. I will bring my willingness to learn and my calm but sweet personality to the community. A strong pride in my African-American heritage will also come with me.

Although I have been described as a sweet person, people have also said I am strong. I have been through more than you can imagine. Born as a premature baby, I weighed only 1 pound and 13 ounces. I had to have a surgery to remove seventy-five percent of my intestines and I was diagnosed with a condition called short-bowel syndrome. Because of this, I had to be fed through a g-tube for most of my life. After staying in the hospital for approximately six months, I was finally able to go home with my family.

Just a few years later I was on my way back to the hospital. At eight years old I was in the hospital for an open heart surgery. The doctors had found a small hole in my heart and the purpose of the surgery was to patch it. When I awoke, once again my mother was right by my side. My family visited me as often as they could while I was in hospital for a few weeks. I was ecstatic when I was finally able to go home to be with my family.

My family has been with me through every single trial and tribulation that I have ever had the displeasure of going through. Even with the recent death of my father, my family still remains the glue that holds me together. I love them for always being there for me. Without them I don't know where I would be.

Not only am I a sweet, strong person; I am a survivor. I feel that the community and the campus will be greatly enriched by someone like me. So if I am granted acceptance into this university, I will be very grateful.

Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.

Statement Two;
I think of myself as a rather intelligent person, but I'm not so good in all subjects. Math is the subject that causes me grief. Sometimes it can be very easy to me and at times it can be hard to figure out. I find math to be one of the most difficult subjects there ever was. Math has made an impact on my grades in the past.

One example was in high school. I had a Pre-Calculus class and I failed every single test I was given except for maybe one or two. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Even when the teacher helped me, I still didn't understand it. He helped me out as much as he could but could not figure out the work out he was giving me. By a miracle, I passed the class by the skin of my teeth. That had to be the only class where I felt like a complete idiot.

Although I am not good at math, I think that tutoring could help me. I'm not afraid to admit when I need help. Better study skills and a tutor would definitely help me earn better grades. My major goal is to make it through college and earn a degree. The opportunity to walk across the stage again would be exhilarating. I am looking forward to doing my best in college. I will also make great efforts to earn the best grades that I can.

KendiaMarie

Nov 18, 2010

Undergraduate / "Street children" -Common app, an issue of personal concern and its importance to you [3]

"Can you give me 2000 dong? I have not eaten for nearly two days! I am so hungry!" A little boy sitting on the sidewalk begged me weakly as if he did not have any energy left. The weather that time was so cold. The freezing wind made my hand numb and my body tremble. It was Noel five years ago. Opposite to the people around who were wearing beautiful warm jackets and enjoying such a great event like Noel, the boy just wore a thin T-shirts and put on a torn blanket. He seemed to be marginalized from the happy warm atmosphere of Christmas.

My heart suddenly writhed when I saw the boy. After a few seconds, I gave him some money which I now can not remember how much. The boy was just a model example of thousands of street children in my country. Every time I went to school, I used to see many children wandering along the street asking for money, selling the paper or finding someone to polish their shoes. Some of them were very young as they looked to be six or seven years old children. Whenever I saw them, a feeling of remorse invaded me. I was older than most of them; however, while I was going to school everyday, having fun with my friends and still being dependent, these kids had to earn a living by themselves and did not have a chance to enjoy the happiness of going to school.

The street children matter is prevalent in Vietnam. These children usually have disadvantaged circumstances. Some of them have their parents divorced; some have their parents died and most of them, because of the poverty, do not have money to go to school and have to start working from a very young age. Because they are exposed to life so early and lack of the guidance from parents, they easily get into crimes such as drugs and robbery. I believe this issue must be solved immediately in order for these children to have happy and memorable childhoods like many other kids, for our country to reduce the amount of crimes and to better our young generation.

Since I am volunteering for the Blue Dragon- an organization that protects street children- I have the opportunity to get to know those children better and this issue is indeed important to me. By teaching them English and playing with them, I realize that they are all well-behaved and pure children. They always smile despite of their tough life. although they prefer playing to studying, they still finish all of their homeworkson time. They always live their best for every moment they play and study at Blue Dragon. The experiences with them have given me many lessons. I have learned from them the way to live significantly every single second of life. I also learn how to smile in every difficult situation because it will help me to be stronger.

Street children issue has a great impact on me. I have done a project to provide books freely to poor children in Thai Binh- a poor province- with the hope that they will not have to stop their study because of poverty. Besides the passion for Math, this issue is also the motivation for me to study accounting in college. With the knowledge that I will learn from college, I hope I can contribute to Vietnam's economy. As our economy grows, we will have money to provide poor children the opportunity to go to school. Particularly, I believe a good accounting degree will help me to get a good job with a good salary, which will not only afford my life, but also give me some amount of money to donate to Blue Dragon. I hope that with my contribution, more and more children will have a better life and be able to continue their studies.

All of the errors that I found are highlighted and crossed out.
Although there are some writing mistakes, this is a very touching essay. You seem to be a very caringa and considerate person. The world could use more people like you. I'm sure that any college you apply to will accept you. GOOD LUCK! =)

KendiaMarie

Nov 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "Pride in my African-American heritage, math is fine too" - SOP [4]

Thank you very much for the feedback! It was very helpful & I appreciate the nice comments.
I'll be sure to make changes to improve my essay. I'm trying to get into Spelman.
Wish me luck! =)

KendiaMarie

Nov 26, 2010

Undergraduate / "Pride in my African-American heritage, math is fine too" - SOP [4]

What about now??

STATEMENT ONE:
I will bring my willingness to learn, my calmness, and my sweet personality to the community. A strong pride in my African-American heritage will also come with me.

Although I have been described as a sweet person, people have also described as strong. I have been through more than you can imagine. Born as a premature baby, I weighed only 1 pound and 13 ounces. I had to have a surgery to remove seventy-five percent of my intestines and I was diagnosed with a condition called short-bowel syndrome. After I spent approximately the first six months of my life in the hospital, my mother was finally able to take me home. That was by far the last hospital visit that I have had.

Just a few years later I was on my way back to the hospital. At eight years old I was in the hospital for an open heart surgery. The doctors had found a small hole in my heart and the purpose of the surgery was to patch it. When I awoke, once again my mother was right by my side. My family visited me as often as they could while I was in hospital for a few weeks. I was happy to be home once again.

I don't think the medical conditions that I pulled through are the only things that make me a strong person. I believe that after dealing with the recent death of my father and remaining a sane person makes me strong also. I watched him suffer from brain damage for a whole year because someone ran him over in their truck and never looked back. My heart ached every time I went to see him. I must admit, I was a bit relieved when he finally passed because I hated seeing him go through so much pain. Besides my mother, he is one of my biggest inspirations to go to college. I want him to look down at me from heaven and feel proud that his baby girl that almost didn't make it to be one year old is making something of herself.

After all that I have been through I still to this day remain the same sweet, quiet person that I've always been. I feel that not only am I a sweet and strong person, but I'm a survivor. I feel that the community and the campus will be greatly enriched by someone like me. My story may be inspirational to someone else one day. Right now I'm confused as to what career path I want to travel yet but I will know one day. I am considering becoming a pediatrician or a pediatric nurse to prevent what something like what happened to me when I was a baby. So if I am granted acceptance into this university, I will be very grateful.

STATEMENT TWO:
I think of myself as a rather intelligent person, but I'm not so good in all subjects. Math is the subject that causes me grief. Sometimes it can be very easy to me and at times it can be hard to understand. I find math to be one of the most difficult subjects there ever was. Math has really made an impact on my grades in the past.

One example was in high school. I had a Pre-Calculus class and I failed every single test I was given except for maybe one or two. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Even when the teacher helped me, I still didn't understand it. He helped me out as much as he could but I could not figure out the work out he was giving me. By a miracle, I passed the class by the skin of my teeth. That had to be the only class I have ever had where I felt like a complete idiot.

Although I am not good at math, I think tutoring could help me. I'm not afraid to admit when I need help. Better study skills and a tutor would definitely help me earn better grades. My major goal is to make it through college and earn a degree. The opportunity to walk across the stage again would be exhilarating. As I stated in my first statement, I don't know what career I want yet. Although my major is undecided at the moment, I plan to make the best effort to succeed in college.

KendiaMarie

May 12, 2011

Writing Feedback / Internet... a blessing or a bane? [5]

Internet converted the world exactly into a ~~glibal~~global village. Now, one living in Japan is quite at written, verbal and even visual communication with the other one living in Denmark. Another hallmark of internet is that it gives free access to a number of educational journals, books, general informations and current affairs. Countless development in the field of trade and business is also one of the miracles of internet. More over, it minimizes the chances of cultural clash by providing knowledge of each culture.

Along with this ~~all~~ , we can not ignore the way, internet is exploiting the youth. It is refraining youth from being in touch with libraries and diminishing the book reading habit among students and scholars. It thus makes ther m through and through dependent upon technology. Further more a number of useless sites providing chit chat and low quality videos, which not only wastes youth's precious time but also demolishes moralities. Freedom of expression allows any one to write any thing about any one in any way. It causes chaos when one speaks bad against other's good.

To all intents and purposes, a gun itself never shoots an innocent but it is the hunter who shoots . A knife can cut both the vegetable and the neck. The same goes for internet. So it is up to whoever uses it whether to make internet a blessing or a bane.

Those are all the mistakes that I could find.
This is a good essay overall, but I suggest you do more proofreading.
Good Luck ! =)

KendiaMarie

May 12, 2011

Undergraduate / (knowledge and a commitment to service; my family) - Spelman College [3]

Seeking knowledge and a commitment to service are integral parts of the Spelman experience. Discuss and illustrate the ways in which you have shown your commitment to these areas. (500-1000 Words)

Graduated In Spite of Bad Grades in Classs

I have always been told that knowledge is the key to success. You can't get anywhere in life without knowledge. Not only is knowledge the key to success, it is the key to breaking down barrier that may prevent you from achieving what you want in life. With knowledge anything can be conquered.

From as far back as I can remember I have always had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. When I was five my desire for knowledge was just starting to grow. I would ask my teacher to give me homework every day. So while everyone else was outside playing, I would be inside of the house doing my homework. When I was six years old I had just learned to read. Reading made my thirst for knowledge grow even more. I would read any and every book that I could get my hands on. My love for reading is the reason why I have excelled in school as much as I did. My middle school even awarded me for my reading. To this day, I have read so many books that I long count a long time ago.

When I got to high school I didn't know what to expect. The school was bigger, the hallways were longer, and the classes were more challenging. Even though I was overwhelmed at first, I still did what I had to do. I knew that there are many statistics out there that were stacked against me. The rising rate of high school drop outs and teenage pregnancies could have easily pulled me in. With determination and focus I managed to go through my entire four years of high school without ever skipping a class or getting a suspension or detention. My commitment to seeking knowledge and service shows in my effort to succeed in school and upcoming volunteering. Hopefully I will be starting volunteer work at Discovery World soon. It will make me happy to know that I have helped people. Also, I would like to think that I will make a good impact on my community.

My family always pushed me to do my best in whatever it is that I do. I didn't always listen to them when they told me that I could do better. I wish that I would have listened to now. Even though I feel as if I could've gotten better grades in high school, I still graduated with my class. My family wasn't as proud of me as I was of myself. I surpassed a lot of people who made the decision of dropping out of school. Now it is time to continue on with that same determination that I had in high school and put my all into graduating college. I know it'll be difficult but in the end it will all be worth it.