Posts by emab

emab

Dec 12, 2010

Undergraduate / "my first production as a dance teacher" - Activities Essay (from Common App) [5]

I need lots of constructive criticism, and advice on shortening this essay down to 150 words... right now it's at 182 words...yikes! Help would be greatly appreciated asap :)

Thanks in advance! -Ema
The prompt is the to briefly elaborate on one of my extra curricular activities or work experiences.

As I stood there in the wings and watched my students dance under the stage lights, I lost sight of the steps and focused on their faces. Every so often one of the kids would look off into the wings to where I stood and send a smile my way. That moment made dealing with all the tears, back talking, frustration, and attitude completely worth it. Performances had always been about accomplishing my personal goals, but my first production as a dance teacher put everything into a different perspective.

In a studio setting it was hard to see if or how I had impacted a student. Teaching is a constant struggle and sometimes I don't feel like I'm affecting kids at all. I see now though, that teaching dance is more about helping a child feel comfortable with ....

...

emab

Dec 12, 2010

Undergraduate / "a new dress code policy" - intellectual experience Brown's admissions essay, topic A [4]

This is a unique story, not many people can say that they have had the same experience. You do a nice job of providing the necessary background information needed to understand your story. Your vocabulary is excellent! There are a few things that could be tweaked, but mostly a strong essay.

One that that stuck out to me was this part:

The profit from the shirts helped raise team funds. The shirts also gave us a sense of team unity as the athletes eagerly sported them around campus.

It's a little awkward, it might sound better turned if you said:
The profit from the shirts helped raise team funds; and the athletes eagerly sporting them around campus created a sense of team unity.

Please return the favor and check out my essay! (even though it's nowhere near as good as your's haha)

emab

Dec 12, 2010

Undergraduate / "my first production as a dance teacher" - Activities Essay (from Common App) [5]

Yeah I hate the current ending! I just couldn't think of any other way to say it haha, that suggestion was perfect.
All of your points were very helpful, thank you so much! :)

emab

Dec 13, 2010

Undergraduate / "my first production as a dance teacher" - Activities Essay (from Common App) [5]

I made some changes, any thoughts?

As I watched my students dance beneath the stage lights, I lost sight of the steps and focused on their faces. Every so often one of the kids would look off into the wings to where I stood and smile. That moment made dealing with all the tears, back talking, and frustration, completely worth it. Performances had always been about accomplishing my personal goals, but my first production as a dance teacher put everything into a different perspective.

Teaching is a constant struggle and in a studio setting it's hard to see if or how I have impacted a student. I know now that teaching dance is more about helping a child feel comfortable with themselves and have fun rather than if they can get the movements down perfectly. When the curtain closed I was left with a feeling of achievement and pride that I had made an impact in these kid's lives.

My first application is due on wednesday, so I would really appreciate some advice asap. :) thanks!

emab

Dec 14, 2010

Undergraduate / My newfound interest in the arts-commonapp essay [4]

this is a really wonderful essay, well written.

I was five, looking at the car toy in toyshop's window and wondering how happy...

This is really the strongest piece of your essay. Excellent work!

emab

Dec 14, 2010

Undergraduate / The Cape doesn't make the Superhero.: Admissions Essay (250 words) [5]

Any suggestions or constructive criticism? I would be so grateful for some feedback :)
Thanks!

Welcome to the world, home to billions of organisms that all need a hero. Standing here at five feet two inches I may not look very tough, but someday I'm going to give Superman a run for his money, because I don't need to wear a cape to save the world.

So far my biggest contribution to the world has been teaching kids to dance and in the process believe in themselves. When I grow up, I hope to become powerful enough that I'll be working on a much larger scale. If I obtained the power I'm searching for I'd choose to use it for a good cause, like helping to reduce human impact on the environment.

Every Superhero has their kryptonite, in my case math class drains my powers like nothing else. I'm an Aries and follow the stereotype of always charging at life head on. I'm a little too spontaneous sometimes and once I get an idea into my head about something it rarely leaves me. Earlier on I said I want to take on the greatest superhero ever, I'm not taking back that statement. I may not have super strength, and I don't have a theme song or a cool cape. However I have something that Superman doesn't have. I have goals, and since I don't only exist in a comic book I have the advantage of actually being able to take action and make a difference. All I have left to say is: bring it on, Superman.

emab

Dec 14, 2010

Undergraduate / The Cape doesn't make the Superhero.: Admissions Essay (250 words) [5]

Thanks! I agree with all that you said, there a lot of things you pointed out to me that I had never thought about! (I don't want to be a stereotype! ah not what I meant!)

Thanks so much :)
ps that's awesome that you dance too!