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The Cape doesn't make the Superhero.: Admissions Essay (250 words)

emab 2 / 5  
Dec 14, 2010   #1
Any suggestions or constructive criticism? I would be so grateful for some feedback :)

Welcome to the world, home to billions of organisms that all need a hero. Standing here at five feet two inches I may not look very tough, but someday I'm going to give Superman a run for his money, because I don't need to wear a cape to save the world.

So far my biggest contribution to the world has been teaching kids to dance and in the process believe in themselves. When I grow up, I hope to become powerful enough that I'll be working on a much larger scale. If I obtained the power I'm searching for I'd choose to use it for a good cause, like helping to reduce human impact on the environment.

Every Superhero has their kryptonite, in my case math class drains my powers like nothing else. I'm an Aries and follow the stereotype of always charging at life head on. I'm a little too spontaneous sometimes and once I get an idea into my head about something it rarely leaves me. Earlier on I said I want to take on the greatest superhero ever, I'm not taking back that statement. I may not have super strength, and I don't have a theme song or a cool cape. However I have something that Superman doesn't have. I have goals, and since I don't only exist in a comic book I have the advantage of actually being able to take action and make a difference. All I have left to say is: bring it on, Superman.
coeurreign 2 / 45  
Dec 14, 2010   #2
Aww this was cute. I'm a dancer too! Anyway, back to your essay. I like how you teach kids to dance and therefore boost their self esteem. I think you should elaborate on those experiences. I mean, this is a really small essay, you should shoot for 500-750 words.

I like the introduction, you should keep that. The second paragraph kind of jumps over the place. It goes from helping kids dance to being powerful then the environment. Theoretically, this makes sense in the way I summarized it, but there aren't any transitions in that paragraph that leads from each of your thoughts. Same thing with your third paragraph. It's all over the place.

I think you should take out the Aries because it's says you follow the stereotype. And that may be true, but do you really want admissions counsellors to think you fit into any stereotype? I like the last couple of sentences. It brings forth the original idea and concludes it in a way that made me laugh. Good luck!
OP emab 2 / 5  
Dec 14, 2010   #3
Thanks! I agree with all that you said, there a lot of things you pointed out to me that I had never thought about! (I don't want to be a stereotype! ah not what I meant!)

Thanks so much :)
ps that's awesome that you dance too!
pommy 1 / 1  
Dec 14, 2010   #4
Cute concept! Try and get rid of all the contractions. (Change I'm to I am, etc...)
I really like your beginning paragraph! But towards the end it might be wrong to say that superman doesn't have goals. (Cause his goal, I think, is to rid the world of evil) But you are quite right, he doesn't exist hehe...
BIN157 4 / 16  
Dec 25, 2010   #5
I like how you keep the tone of the essay very light, yet your personality and thinking are able to shine through. While I would prefer more sophisticated word choice, I think your wording really contributes to the general easygoing feel of the essay, so I personally do not think you need to change:)

About the stereotype thingy: You may want to say that while following a stereotype is typically looked down upon, there is nothing wrong about charging at life head-on. It's a positive trait, and you are proud of following that stereotype. Something like that:)

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