Undergraduate / "electrical engineering, energy-producing company CEO" - Common app essay (my Goals) [3]

Ok im going to fix up some errors and rephrase some sentences, but i'm not gonig to touch the flow or structure of the essay. I'm too caught up in what needs fixing on a small-scale to see what needs to be done with the essay as a whole; maybe once you fix whatever errors I and others find, someone could give you tips on structuring (if it needs it- as I said, I'm not sure whether it does or not after 1 glimpse through).

"I might seem like a normal kid, with unconnected facts and talents, this essay is intended to connect the dots and stick every thing together in the past essays"

Is this part of the essay? If so, i think it's unneccesarry.

1st para
The human race is immortal: -Use a colon to start the list
-take out the brackets in the first sentence- its a sentence with shock value, don't ruin that by saying that it has shock value =p

-with all your commas, have the comma RIGHT AFTER the last letter of the previous word (no spaces) then a single space before the next word (so it's like "hi, you" not "hi ,you" or "hi , you")

-turned night into day , and day into night ,
-turned sea water in to drinking water
-we turned hot to cold, and cold to hot - maybe take this out since the list is getting long, and you mention controlling environment later

-we've given life to barrens wastes , and taken it away from luschious (forests? rainforests? lands? pick something to go in here)
-unlike most species -"which no other species can"
-"no wonder god asked satin to bow down to Adam" -capitalize religious figures, and maybe its just me (im not very religious) but this doesnt make sense to me. oh and it's Satan, not Satin

-period at the end of the paragraph

2nd para
"This aspect; creativity, is what makes us dominate. Because of this trait some of us choose to become engineers. Engineers use this trait in order to create, unlike scientist, Engineers create, however scientists study the created."

-"This creativity is what makes us the dominant species. This trait, unique to us, leads some to become engineers and others to become scientists. Those who become engineers create, while the scientists study that which has been created." -i tried to fix it up a little, feel free to use my wording or adapt it your own way, but i feel mine makes more sense

3rd para
-"I come from a country in the M iddle E ast where water is scarce, temperatures sometimes reach 52 degrees Celsius, and p lain sand cover most of the land."

-"Although most people might consider my country, the Kingdome of Saudi Arabia, to be a barren wasteland,however Saudi Arabia is one of the most important patchesplaces on E arth.C ontaining 30% of the entire worlds' oil reserves, Saudi Arabia is one of the leading energy producers in the world" - this was a bit of a run-on sentence, so i cut it into two

-"H owever we cannot drink oil;water is scarce , our unemployment rate is above 30%,and beggars roam the streets"
-"We are already facing d rought and climate changes ."

4th para
"The world is changing, bit by bit; mankind has finally realized that it is time to change its ways of producing energy. As a result the world is shifting its energy resources to more renewable energy, such as wind, damshydro , and nuclear fusion, etc ."

5th para
"I feel that my country also needs to catch this waveembrace green energy in order to move onforward . To me, m y country is not a mere empty desert buttrather a goldmine for energy. Physics wise Geographically speaking, my countrySaudi Arabiais one of the most patches on earth that receives some of the most energy from the sun. With so little cloud cover, and so close to the equator with dry air and no water molecules to absorb heat , it is the perfect environment to produce solar energy. I n facts if Saudi Arabia plays its cards rightutilized its' full solar potential , we cancould produce 14TW of electricity on a daily basi s.This extraordinary amount of energy is more than enough to meet the entire world' s demand for energy. and with our geographical location it will be easier for us to distribute if we fined a way." -is this last sentence needed?

6th para
Oh ok umm here you seem to jump- you were on a whole "save the world" roll and now you're jumping to your childhood curiousity. I'll still edit it, but from this point you've really cut the flow of the essay. I see how you pull it all together in the end, but you need to find a transition into this next part. Perhaps you could say something like "but we need someone to make this happen; I believe that I have the potential to do it. Ever since I was a child..." or something along those lines. You just need a transition from save-the-world mode to talk-about-me mode.

"Ever since I was a little("little" is redundant) child I explored the world around me.I played with small bugs and insects,and I was most interested inloved learning how things worked and how these manmade objects helped benefit our lives. I was most interested in electronic devices; taking toys apart, and learning how they worked , which pulled me into the field of electronics and electrical engineering."

7th para
"My love for electrical engineering started when the internet first entered Saudi Arabia in 2001.andM y dad bought my older brother his first computer in 2005;since we do not have public libraries in many parts of Saudi Arabia , and we didn't have one in Jeddah (my hometown) , so I spent most of my time on the computer exploring the world from a screen.M y love for computers grew as I got olderdid, and I became more and more interested in how the hardware worked; later I harboured an interest in software as I began playing around with circuitry(circuitry is hardware, not software, so the mention of circuitry should be moved to the previous sentence if you want to keep it in) and programming microcontrollers;a nd I adored the idea of encryption." - the mention of encryption seems to just be thrown in there- try to work it in better (haha im not doing all the work myself)

8th para
Just as you needed a transition from the big picture to yourself earlier, you now need a transition back to the big picture so it flows into the conclusion, which deals with both. Something along the lines of "i hope to apply my love of electrical engineering in a way which will benefit the world"?

"My dream is to be the founder and CEO of the largest electrical(redundant- when you say energy, we all say "electrical!" =p) energy producing company, not just in my region, but inthroughout the world. Since my country has the potential, my goal is not just to help improve my country,b ut to improve energy production methods toand help the world as a whole."

This is a solid essay, you have good points and you touch upon your background in EE, your hopes for your future, and you display a view of the bigger picture- all of which are good things. Considering English isn't your first language, this was very well written and any corrections that I, or any others, make are just things that come with use of the language. Good luck.

this was my first time correcting someone else's work, you can see how my editing methods evolved as I went through. if anyone has any comments for me, I'd appreciate that as well so that I can better help others and write better myself.

Student Talk / HARVARD and JHU Supplement - general? What's the difference? [3]

i dont know for JHU, but im thinking it should be general. say why you want to be a doctor (maybe some past experiences that influenced you to do so) but also mention a bit about why you chose JHU as the college you want to go to- why you think THAT one in best for you. don't make the whole answer about JHU, but "why did u choose the way u did" sounds to me like "why you chose here". lol so in short, say why you want to be a doctor for most of the essay, include why JHU in the conclusion maybe.

as for the harvard book thing, im doing the same one. i described the lessons ive learned from the book- dont make it a book report, because the AO probably won't have read your book. mine was fairly short, but i talked about how the book had shown me how your actions can have reprecussions long after they are done, and then i said something about how it made me grow as a person. "opened my eyes to the world" or along those lines- i talked about how this (awesome) book affected me as a person. i didnt do anything harvard-related (like "oh i read the harvard admission manual or w/e and it changed my life" =p) and they cant honestly expect or want people to be suckups by bs'ing it and only blabbing on about harvard. make it true- if no book has had a profound impact on you, don't choose this topic.

Undergraduate / Skiing, to me, is release; Common App- own choice topic- Skiing [4]

ya i can see this is a rather weak essay; i'm writing another one now (on education, and what it is) but I'd still appreciate feedback on this one because it's applicable for a couple of scholarships and maybe as a supplemental essay somewhere.