eringurl281
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / small campus + Harry Potter + a curious person/dance/music - Occidental [4]
Overall, I like your writing style! Just be careful to answer the prompt and not get sidetracked.
#2
"diversity which is something that is very important to me."
I don't like this wording, how about something like diversity, an important aspect in my life.
I would also add a conclusion sentence! (:
#3
I'm not sure I like the idea of writing about Harry Potter, because it doesn't show that you are well-read or interested in serious literature. BUT, I did like your approach if you decide to keep the topic.
"I am both excited and upset by this."
Why are you excited that the Harry Potter Franchise is winding down? I was only upset.
"When I reread the book, I was able to see things from a different perspective."
I saw things from a different perspective.
"In my English class, we learned how to look at the true meaning of stories and poetry."
maybe add through archetypes, stylistic devices, and metaphors.
The ending is a little bit cheesy, but I think it would be fine if you added a little bit more about the book's specific impact on your life. Try not to be so generic or vague, so it sounds personal, not like another student writing about Harry Potter because it is AWESOME. You have about 100 more words, enough to add a few sentences so the focus is on you! (:
#4
I'm not quite sure this is what they are looking for. If you are interested in studying psychology, I would mention that at the beginning that way you can incorporate that into your other interests, like culture and dance. Right now it doesn't flow that well and sounds kind of random! Try adding some transition sentences to ease the reader into new topics.
But I loved your first sentence! Creative.
"I tend to obsess about it. I obsess about different places"
I don't like the word obsess, it has a negative connotation.
Maybe.. When I learn something new, it consumes me. Or something else..
"my parents made me take a variety of dance classes"
That sounds negative also, how about just I took a variety of dance classes
Overall, you have great writing! With a few revisions, these could turn into excellent papers. My advice is just to put the focus on you, that is what they are curious about.
:D :D
Overall, I like your writing style! Just be careful to answer the prompt and not get sidetracked.
#2
"diversity which is something that is very important to me."
I don't like this wording, how about something like diversity, an important aspect in my life.
I would also add a conclusion sentence! (:
#3
I'm not sure I like the idea of writing about Harry Potter, because it doesn't show that you are well-read or interested in serious literature. BUT, I did like your approach if you decide to keep the topic.
"I am both excited and upset by this."
Why are you excited that the Harry Potter Franchise is winding down? I was only upset.
"When I reread the book, I was able to see things from a different perspective."
I saw things from a different perspective.
"In my English class, we learned how to look at the true meaning of stories and poetry."
maybe add through archetypes, stylistic devices, and metaphors.
The ending is a little bit cheesy, but I think it would be fine if you added a little bit more about the book's specific impact on your life. Try not to be so generic or vague, so it sounds personal, not like another student writing about Harry Potter because it is AWESOME. You have about 100 more words, enough to add a few sentences so the focus is on you! (:
#4
I'm not quite sure this is what they are looking for. If you are interested in studying psychology, I would mention that at the beginning that way you can incorporate that into your other interests, like culture and dance. Right now it doesn't flow that well and sounds kind of random! Try adding some transition sentences to ease the reader into new topics.
But I loved your first sentence! Creative.
"I tend to obsess about it. I obsess about different places"
I don't like the word obsess, it has a negative connotation.
Maybe.. When I learn something new, it consumes me. Or something else..
"my parents made me take a variety of dance classes"
That sounds negative also, how about just I took a variety of dance classes
Overall, you have great writing! With a few revisions, these could turn into excellent papers. My advice is just to put the focus on you, that is what they are curious about.
:D :D