hiebram
Mar 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "making a mark in the National Canoeing Championship" - Describe a personal challenge [4]
First, I think you should change "have transformed" to just "transformed", because "have transformed" implies a continuity with the situation that you mention above (making a mark in the National Canoeing Championship in 2002). Since that happened 9 years ago, it seems a little odd to talk about your accomplishment there as still continuing. It would be appropriate to use "have transformed" if you are still captain of NNC CST, but that does not seem to be the focus of the paragraph.
Also from that sentence, I would suggest deleting the comma after team and rewriting the end of that sentence like this: "...from an inexperience group with no professional coaching to one that is physically and mentally prepared to compete for victory." It is better to remain focused on the team as a whole, rather than to start by talking about the team and end by talking about the individuals within the team.
The sentence that immediately follows feels rather choppy. You could improve the flow if you would break into two sentences and rewrite it along these lines: Initially, it was almost an impossible task to lead my team due to our limited resources. In fact, at the start of my tenure as captain we were using loaned boats and equipment.
First, I think you should change "have transformed" to just "transformed", because "have transformed" implies a continuity with the situation that you mention above (making a mark in the National Canoeing Championship in 2002). Since that happened 9 years ago, it seems a little odd to talk about your accomplishment there as still continuing. It would be appropriate to use "have transformed" if you are still captain of NNC CST, but that does not seem to be the focus of the paragraph.
Also from that sentence, I would suggest deleting the comma after team and rewriting the end of that sentence like this: "...from an inexperience group with no professional coaching to one that is physically and mentally prepared to compete for victory." It is better to remain focused on the team as a whole, rather than to start by talking about the team and end by talking about the individuals within the team.
The sentence that immediately follows feels rather choppy. You could improve the flow if you would break into two sentences and rewrite it along these lines: Initially, it was almost an impossible task to lead my team due to our limited resources. In fact, at the start of my tenure as captain we were using loaned boats and equipment.