Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by calend4r
Joined: Sep 30, 2008
Last Post: Oct 14, 2008
Threads: 1
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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calend4r   
Sep 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Helping people is my passion ; NEOUCOM - what would you contribute? [5]

I think the essay is great, but the first paragraph could be eliminated completely. It does nothing for the rest of the essay, which would be completely acceptable on its own.

and I don't know if it's just me, but in the second sentence, "whether it be" sounds a little awkward to me. Although I do think it's technically correct, just outdated.
calend4r   
Oct 1, 2008
Undergraduate / Nameless Girl - An essay about someone who has made an impact on... [12]

It seems a little forced. I don't know if this is actually something that happened to you, but it doesn't seem feasable or realistic. Your writing is gramatically correct, for the most part, (you can't activate through a catalyst, though, a catalyst is something that causes change, so you'd have to be activated by it, not through it)

And, unless i'm seriously misinterpreting your first paragraph, you are trying to talk about an emotion that is intense. i'm not sure tepid is the right word, mostly because the definition is

tepĖ‡id (tpd)
adj.
1. Moderately warm; lukewarm.
2. Lacking in emotional warmth or enthusiasm; halfhearted

And you're supposed to tell about an experience. I know you're trying to sound scholarly and learned and all that, but take out the sentence that says "Beginning is always a wise choice." It sounds like you're trying to sound like a wise, old man telling a story to a bunch of children. This is a college essay, it's supposed to measure how well you can relay an experience and analyze the outcome of it.

This is more of a (most likely fictional or very misrepresented unfictional) creative writing piece. I would reconsider using this as an application essay altogether.
calend4r   
Oct 2, 2008
Undergraduate / Nameless Girl - An essay about someone who has made an impact on... [12]

Since it is posted in the Undergraduate Admission Essays section of the forum, I just assumed it would be an admissions essay. If it's a creative writing piece it probably fits nicely in with the requirements. I'm kind of curious, I wish the prompt was posted.
calend4r   
Oct 2, 2008
Undergraduate / "I have never had a musical bone in my body" - common app essay [6]

Well, it is a very controversial topic, and the reality is that some people who are devout in their faith are also very educated and successful (i.e. the person reading your essay or someone who ultimately decides if you enter the college.) The tone of the second paragraph is kind of condescending towards those who still aren't "educated enough to give up medieval beliefs and accept proven facts," as you said it. It does show you are passionate about something, but be careful when you don't know exactly who your audience may be.
calend4r   
Oct 14, 2008
Undergraduate / COMMON APP - the importance of diversity to you [3]

prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

My addition to the diversity in a college community comes in the form of real-world experience, coupled with my family background. My connections to the working and middle class separate me from the usual teenage aloofness and sense of entitlement that is often associated with the prospective college student.

My personal experience comes from working as a secretary at a real estate office, which undeniably feels first-hand the pressure put on the real estate market from the current financial crisis the economy is suffering through. Foreclosures and the mortgage crisis are the topics of everyday conversation, and my knowledge and direct interaction with those who have already lost their homes or are on the brink helps me to appreciate how difficult it is to maintain an income that supplements even solely essential spending.

My father's job and life as a self-made small business owner building and selling homes also illustrates to me the hardships faced and overcome in a world where nothing is handed out. My father grew up in Poland; technically I am a first-generation American. He came to the United States at seventeen with his father, who worked as a taxi driver in the Polish capitol city, Warsaw. They brought with them two suitcases and no knowledge of the English language. My father attended high school and worked two jobs to pay rent in a tiny apartment in New Jersey and sent whatever money was left over to his mother and sister, who remained in their own tiny apartment in Warsaw. Eventually putting himself through what is now known as Union County College for two years, he then graduated with a Bachelor's degree in business from Upsala College and continued working for everything he owned.

Hearing these stories and seeing firsthand those who struggle to keep their financial heads above water gives me a fresh sense of appreciation for the things I do have, and an unbridled sense of earning the things I want.

I don't care as much about grammar and semantics as much as if the general essay actually answers the prompt.
calend4r   
Oct 14, 2008
Undergraduate / 'I have no body, I'm stuck' - Why do you want to attend Pratt? [3]

what art did you do as a child, what do your aunts and uncles do, why do you find digital art fascinating, what courses would you be interesting (you said they were 'dazzling')...talk about why you want to do animation, how it interests you... literally anything in any of those paragraphs
calend4r   
Oct 14, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Better grades' - Common Application - Significant Achievement [3]

the essay is really well-written..i don't play warcraft or anything and it was still really interesting to read. the only thing you might want to change is to take away the last paragraph about the medal and instead write a little paragraph about what lesson you learned from winning the match (hard work pays off.. anything) just because it says 'what was the impact on you' in the prompt
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