mikeg12
Oct 6, 2008
Undergraduate / my part in giving back and bettering the society - Proofreading and Advice [NEW]
UF Admission Essay.
Here's the prompt
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
Here's the essay
"As I slowly drove through the open, chain-linked gate, and down the short dusty road, I had no clue what to expect. All I knew was that I was volunteering at a place called Horses for Handicapped. For the first few minutes I just observed. There were all types of handicapped people riding the horses around a dirt ring, from paraplegic children to mentally handicapped adults. One of the leaders called me over; it was my turn to walk beside the horse and rider, or sidewalk as it was called. I saw the rider I was about to sidewalk. She was being carefully lifted from her wheelchair and placed one leg at a time onto the horse. I was then told her heart-wrenching story. Her name was Jenny and at one time she attended the same high school as me. She was an Honor Roll student and the captain of the tennis team. Then in an instant it was all gone. She was struck by lightning as she walked to get the mail one day. She received major brain damage and lost virtually all motor skills. She even lost the ability to speak; however, she didn't completely lose the ability to think and make simple decisions. The only way to express herself was by methodically moving her arms and head through laborious concentration and effort. The compassion I felt towards Jenny was overwhelming as we walked along, until I tripped over a tree root. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a small laugh; it was Jenny laughing. I then proceeded to fake a trip which sent her into a laughing riot. Something as simple as a laugh seemed like so much more.
That one simple laugh triggered at first a feeling of deep gratification followed by a realization. It was as if Jenny didn't care about what she couldn't do. She was making the best out of what she could do. I realized that the best way to live life is to use one's gifts to make the world a better place, for only one person such as Jenny or even for society as a whole. Therefore, the best way to help others is to enhance the gifts that I already possess and find new ways to use them. This is where the University of Florida comes in. Because UF has such a broad scope of courses with over 100 majors, I hope to find one that best allows me to sharpen my skills and prepare me for the real world. I strongly believe in the University of Florida's motto which states that the welfare of the state depends upon the morals of its citizens. If accepted, I hope to gain knowledge through learning, wisdom through experience, and success through self-motivation. Equipped with these three qualities, I plan on doing my part in giving back and bettering the society that helped me grow into the person I am and will become."
Any critique, corrections, or suggestions are appreciated.
UF Admission Essay.
Here's the prompt
Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
Here's the essay
"As I slowly drove through the open, chain-linked gate, and down the short dusty road, I had no clue what to expect. All I knew was that I was volunteering at a place called Horses for Handicapped. For the first few minutes I just observed. There were all types of handicapped people riding the horses around a dirt ring, from paraplegic children to mentally handicapped adults. One of the leaders called me over; it was my turn to walk beside the horse and rider, or sidewalk as it was called. I saw the rider I was about to sidewalk. She was being carefully lifted from her wheelchair and placed one leg at a time onto the horse. I was then told her heart-wrenching story. Her name was Jenny and at one time she attended the same high school as me. She was an Honor Roll student and the captain of the tennis team. Then in an instant it was all gone. She was struck by lightning as she walked to get the mail one day. She received major brain damage and lost virtually all motor skills. She even lost the ability to speak; however, she didn't completely lose the ability to think and make simple decisions. The only way to express herself was by methodically moving her arms and head through laborious concentration and effort. The compassion I felt towards Jenny was overwhelming as we walked along, until I tripped over a tree root. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a small laugh; it was Jenny laughing. I then proceeded to fake a trip which sent her into a laughing riot. Something as simple as a laugh seemed like so much more.
That one simple laugh triggered at first a feeling of deep gratification followed by a realization. It was as if Jenny didn't care about what she couldn't do. She was making the best out of what she could do. I realized that the best way to live life is to use one's gifts to make the world a better place, for only one person such as Jenny or even for society as a whole. Therefore, the best way to help others is to enhance the gifts that I already possess and find new ways to use them. This is where the University of Florida comes in. Because UF has such a broad scope of courses with over 100 majors, I hope to find one that best allows me to sharpen my skills and prepare me for the real world. I strongly believe in the University of Florida's motto which states that the welfare of the state depends upon the morals of its citizens. If accepted, I hope to gain knowledge through learning, wisdom through experience, and success through self-motivation. Equipped with these three qualities, I plan on doing my part in giving back and bettering the society that helped me grow into the person I am and will become."
Any critique, corrections, or suggestions are appreciated.