Graduate / SOP for Global MPH: Masters in Public Health, begin medical school and travel [6]

First of all, this is a fantastic essay. You are a wonderful writer and I wish you the best of success. It sounds like you are also living quite a remarkable life.

I wouldn't worry about being too artsy because it will make you stand out. But I would reconsider a few aspects of your otherwise excellent analogy.

1. If the drops of wine are red, why is your dress purple at the end?
2. What is the differences between mistakes and trials? I think some things you mention in the essay are not really mistakes at all, just difficult experiences that have colored your life and helped you grow. So maybe you should use the analogy of the drops of wines as "trials" rather than mistakes.

As for the grammar, it's actually fairly strong. There are some nitty gritty things that could be improved, but it sounds like you're already working on them. The biggest thing I noticed was some semi-colon misuse. A semi-colon should only be used between closely related clauses (or as a serial comma, but that's another matter).

For instance, this sentence from your essay, is just right: "My brother and I are instructed to help; I hesitate, finally getting out of the car to meet my mother."

In this sentence though, the clauses aren't closely related enough to be connected with a semi-colon: "I was 7 years old; my mother, a local elementary school teacher, took my brother and me to visit two students and their mother." In this case, it would probably better to make this two sentences. "I was 7 years old. My mother..."

Watch out for keeping your tenses consistent as well.

Again, this was a fantastic essay. Good luck!

-Em

Graduate / SOP for Global MPH: Masters in Public Health, begin medical school and travel [6]

Hmm, good question. Personally I would keep the analogy, it's very effective - but maybe you could just mention towards the beginning of the essay that red wine stains your white dress purple?

For example:

"Mistakes are the drops of wine on my white summer dress. At the moment, when I see the red wine has left deep purple stains, feelings of regret flood into my mind and life seems to come to a complete stop."

- Em

howtosucceedinenglish

Undergraduate / Appeal letter to get into NUS Law [3]

Wow, congrats on being considered by such a great institution.

Obviously you will want to mention your academic success in your essay. But personally I think the essay (if you need to write it) would be also a good place to show off any good qualities that you have that you feel may have not come through in your interview. Think of the appeal essay as a chance for you to prove to them that you are more than just the person they interviewed.

Why do you feel you underperformed in the interview? For example, if you feel you acted too nervous, this essay might be a good time to really show off your confidence. Or if you felt you were stiff and humorless, then go ahead and show a little personality in your writing. Make a joke or two. Be sassy. (But don't go overboard).

Also, with any letter to a company/school/etc. that you want to be a part of, it's always a good idea to keep some of the focus on them. Use words like "you" and "your school" a lot. For instance, instead of writing: "I have a very strong work ethic," you could say something like, "My strong work ethic would be a benefit to your school..."

Much luck!

- Em