Writing Feedback /
SAT Writing Practice: Do we benefit from learning about the flaws of people we admire [4]
Okay, for your paper I just went through and edited grammar and sentence structure. At the end I give my overall thoughts. Hope you enjoy! :)
"When we were young, we usually had at least one hero or idol who we respected and admired."
"the most" is made redundant by "one hero or idol" because if there is only one, then they are the most respected and admired. I replaced "that" with "who" because "who" refers to people.
Personally, I think "As we grew older" sounds better than "grew up," because "growing up" is an idiomatic term for maturing, which I think is what you mean here. And, as I explain later, someone who is already "grown up" can go through the same experience as a youth.
"we learned about the flaws of those idols and we were usually disappointed. However, learning about the imperfections of those we admire and respect can be very beneficial to our lives."
Adding "at that time, we didn't know" is a tricky assumption, because it suggests there is a specific time in everybody's lives where this knowledge is not known and a specific time where it is to be learned, which is difficult to prove. Someone who is 10 could learn at age 12 that their teen idol is a drug addict, but someone who is 23 could learn that their hero politician is a hooker-killer at age 45.
" "Monkeys see, monkeys do". " It's tricky to start a sentence with a quote, let alone begin a paragraph with one. All quotes need to be explained, so I'd suggest start this paragraph with:
"Humans need other humans to look up to, someone who can act as role models for our own behavior and be admired."
The wording of "to admire and act as role models for our own behavior" puts the verb in the wrong place, the person who looks up to the roll model admires, but doesn't act as the roll model to themselves!
"It could help us to accept our own flaws and weaknesses and then learn meaningful lessons from the mistakes of our heroes or idols." You just need a "the" there.
"An example CAN be found at Barack Obama and his Economic Stimulus package." If you use too many 'sometimes' 'maybes' and 'mights,' your paper will seem like it's questioning itself. Make a statement! You're proving your point, so be outgoing and say that it DOES or it CAN make an example!
"In late 2008, America's economy had fell into Depression again after such a long time from the Great Depression in 1940s." unless you were trying to say "In late 2008, America's economy felt Depression again, such a long time after the Great Depression in 1940s."
"However, Barack Obama, at that time the newly-elected 44th President of America, had the benefit to learn from his predecessor's successes. Franklin Roosevelt, one of the greatest American presidents that had helped American economy recover and reform from the Great Depression. Referring to New Deal, a complex, interlocking set of programs designed to recover and reform the economy of Franklin Roosevelt, Barack Obama launched the Stimulus package. This was an $800 billion aid aimed to help stabilize the economy, and Obama did this with the hope that America could recover as quickly as it did lead by Franklin Roosevelt, whom Barack Obama admired."
I made the writing in the past tense, because all of these things were already done, and it helps make the reading smoother. I also reworded some of the sentences because you inverted some of them. Remember: shorter is better! The most direct way of saying something shows the true mastery of writing; this is the thing the readers are looking for!
Now, this paragraph is a great example of someone who had a hero who inspired someone to do something that helped them, but Barack Obama is a weak example for your initial thesis because there was no flaw that was revealed to Obama about Roosevelt that he did not already know. I would not use this as an example unless you change your thesis to say that people can grow through their heros, and even when confronted with their idol's flaws one can rise above. You can then make the case of Magic Johnson.
"Currently, HIV is referred to as the biggest disease of the world and a lot of people think HIV patients are evil and horrible."
This is a very, very loaded sentence. I would revise this to "Currently, HIV is a very serious disease, and those who are infected with the virus are often seen as dirty, or without morals, because in the 70s and 80s HIV patients were usually homosexuals- men who were often looked down on- and drug addicts."
This sentence offers more information. Simply saying that they were "evil and horrible" is highly presumptuous. Remember- SAT essays don't really have to be actual and factual as much as well written. You could say AIDS was in the 90's and early 2000's and you wouldn't necessarily be wrong. If you feel like you don't know enough about some part of you example, you could always just make educated guesses.
"This should not be the case for Magic Johnson, a famous American basketball player." You should almost always put adjectives like "famous" before those like "American"
In 1991, Magic Johnson announced that he had HIV, and a great number of his fans were shocked and disappointed." Just added a comma.
"Even though to acquire HIV disease is not a proper behavior, Magic Johnson still deserved applause for admitting his mistake courageously and standing up to stop many people from committing the same mistakes that he and other famous athletes have committed."
This again is highly loaded. Perhaps say instead "Even though those with HIV were often thought have been infected through indecent behavior, Magic Johnson was still applauded for admitting his mistake courageously, and for speaking out to stop others from committing the same mistakes that he and other famous athletes have committed."
"For the entire of his life, Magic Johnson has used his individual mistake to educate many people from not making the same mistake as he did." This sentence does not say what you said in your thesis, but if you change it around it can. Remember, the fans in this case are those who look up to Magic Johnson, it's not Magic Johnson who is the subject of this example, but the fans. Try showing that.
"Recently, several democratic revolutions have occurred in Egypt and Tunisia." I would avoid using "etc." in your paper. Listing two countries is enough.
This example again proves that people benefit from other's example, but not their flaws. The only example that has any bearing on your thesis is the Magic Johnson one. Perhaps try to say that people benefit from their idol's, then use the Obama and Libya examples to prove that thesis. You could then, if you like, say that people can benefit from their idol's mistakes, and then use the Magic Johnson example.
"In conclusion, it is not necessary that one should feel depressed or upset when he figures out his heroes or idols' mistakes." You cannot use "one" then use "he" or "she." If you use one, try and put the sentence in the indirect to make it smoother. You also do not need "that," but "for" in this case.
"In conclusion, it is not necessary for a person to feel depressed or upset when the the heroes or idols' mistakes are (you could use 'brought to light', or 'become known')."
"Through the previous examples, it has been shown that it is undoubted that knowing the flaws of those you admire and respect will certainly benefit you, if you choose to accept the mistake and know what they should not have done."
Overall, 2 of your examples do not prove your thesis. I would suggest revising!
Hope I was helpful :)