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Posts by sbarrow60
Joined: May 18, 2011
Last Post: May 23, 2011
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From: United States

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sbarrow60   
May 18, 2011
Graduate / Kelly Direct MBA program: Personal Statement for MBA Application [7]

Hello,

I am in the process of writing a personal statement for an MBA application and am in need of some proof readers and constructive criticism. Any help anyone can provide is greatly appreciated. The word count is suppose to be approximately 500 words. I am currently sitting at 800. I need to make the writing more concise and flow better.

The Essay requirements are: Personal Statement (A statement, approximately 500 words, that identifies your academic goals, career objectives, why you are applying to this program, and the qualifications you have that make you a strong candidate for this program.)

MBA Essay:

Introduction??? (Still trying to come up with a catchy introduction and conclusion)

Since beginning my pursuit of higher education in 1999, my academic goals have morphed from the simple; desire to pass a class with an "A" or "B", to more discernible and personal aspirations. One, more predictable, goal that I have for my pursuit of an MBA is to acquire the knowledge necessary to make sound business decisions and increase my overall business acumen. While I have gained an elementary understanding of some concepts through my civil service career, I still feel it is essential to gain a wider insight and understanding of concepts such as business strategy, management theory, accounting economics and finance. Additionally, I desire to be challenged during my pursuit of an MBA. Not only... [...]
sbarrow60   
May 19, 2011
Graduate / Kelly Direct MBA program: Personal Statement for MBA Application [7]

Isai,

Good evening. I truly appreciate your response but I need some clarification on your dialog. The entire first paragraph seems to be cut and pasted from various essay grading criteria scales. The wording you used in the first paragraph matches word for word other sites on the internet. In short, the whole paragraph indicates that I am not even close to answering the question of the essay.

Looking back at the essay guidance it states the following: "The Essay requirements are: Personal Statement (A statement, approximately 500 words, that identifies your academic goals, career objectives, why you are applying to this program, and the qualifications you have that make you a strong candidate for this program.)"

I addressed the topics of academic goals, career objectives, reasons why I am applying to the program and the qualifications that I have which make me a strong candidate for the program. I recognize that I need to work on the flow of the essay and show some clear examples of how I feel the program will meet my academic and career goals but I did not think the essay was as bad as you indicate. What I took away from your response was that I am better off starting from scratch, searching google for samples to get better ideas.

Maybe I am expecting too much from the forum. I was expecting more specific information on how I could improve. Can you offer some more detailed recommendations?
sbarrow60   
May 23, 2011
Graduate / Kelly Direct MBA program: Personal Statement for MBA Application [7]

I was told the other night that the character limit on this personal statement is no longer relative so I have not tried to reduce that. However, I have restructured the essay quite a bit and would appreciate your professional reviews again.

Abigail Adams wrote; "Learning is not attained by chance; it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence." A dedication to the pursuit of learning throughout my life has blessed me with many interesting experiences and opportunities. Throughout this journey the goals that I aspire to achieve and the means to achieve those goals have changed many times. With each turn of the page into a new chapter of life comes a new challenge, a new opportunity, a new aspiration. For some time, I've desired to become an effective, dynamic leader within my organization. With my promotion into program management and subsequently obtaining my Masters in Engineering, this aspiration has become even more profound. I have concluded that a Kelly Direct MBA is ideally suited for my personal and professional development, giving me the skills I need to achieve my desire.

Perusing the Kelly Direct website, attending online information sessions, talking to staff and current students as well as watching video testimonials from alumni has made me extremely eager to become a member of the Fall 2011 MBA entering class.

Being accepted into an MBA program that will provide a high quality business education is my foremost academic goal. I want my MBA to be much more then just another entry on my resume. I want to gain the knowledge and skills to substantially increase my business acumen. Researching the bios of the faculty as well as listening to the experiences, accomplishments and reflections of alumni, is evidence that Kelly Direct will deliver the high quality education I seek.

Similarly, I desire to be challenged both academically and in ways that question traditional wisdom. I have found that Kelly Direct does not offer just some "run of the mill" MBA, and there is certainly no love lost between the on campus and online versions of the program when it comes to academic rigor. Therefore there is no doubt that this program will challenge me. I also see the Kelly Connect weeks and team focus of the program providing a great deal of diversity. These activities cause the meshing of individuals and ideas from diverse ethical and corporate cultures. Consequently removing us from the comfort zones we are used to, thus promoting and encouraging thinking "outside of the box".

In addition to my academic goals I also have strong aspirations for my career. The definition and form of these aspirations have changed many times. However, I have finally learned that there is a irrefutable difference between chasing the rungs of the corporate ladder and pursuing what you are truly passionate about. Pursing my passion is my career goal; and I plan to use the Kelly Direct MBA to the fullest extent possible to do just that.

For as long as I can remember I have been bestowed with an overwhelming sense of uneasiness and curiosity. These feelings have lead to a desire to continually pursue personal enrichment of others as well as myself. By pulling that thread, I have found that a true passion of mine is leading change; and change within my organization is most certainly needed. There are many challenges that must be met by my organization that it has never faced before. To meet these challenges I have developed a vision that centers around a renewed focus on the customer, the organization, the technology we manage, our people, and continuous process improvement. This vision serves to create a better environment for both our customers and people. To achieve this vision I need to be in a position that will allow me to affect and lead the necessary change. Moving into mid level management and eventually, as a senior executive will allow me to do just that. However, I will need the business acumen obtained from my Kelly MBA to operate effectively in these environments.

Another passion I plan to pursue is the starting of my own construction company. I know; it maybe a little odd, but I always had a passion for and thoroughly enjoy construction and renovation work. This endeavor entails the starting of my own business as well as all of the contract and regulatory requirements that come with entering this field. The business education acquired from my Kelly MBA will most certainly help. Though I feel the counsel and guidance I can reach out for from the lifetime professional relationships and friendships obtained during my time at Kelly Direct will serve to be even more valuable.

While the Kelly Direct MBA program will provide me with the experience and skills necessary to achieve my academic and career goals, I will also bring to the program some things in return.

During my career and volunteer activities I have repeatedly been recognized for my drive, energy, leadership, persistence and overall ability to "get the job done" My positive attitude, outlook and emotional intelligence has always served to keep team moral up and projects moving in the right direction. I feel these traits as well as my personality are well suited for the Kelly Direct MBA program and specifically the team based learning format.

My background will also add to the diversity of the Fall 2011 entering Kelly Direct MBA class. Specifically, I will add to the diverse academic backgrounds of the class through my degrees in computer science and engineering. Likewise, my experience in the military, DoD, aviation, the Navy and civil service will serve to enrich the already diverse professional background of the class even further

The ability to handle stress, manage time and persevere through adversity is something else I bring to the program. Between 2003 and 2010 I pursued and obtained both my undergraduate and graduate degrees. I accomplished 50% of my undergraduate and 100% of my graduate studies online. During this time I was blessed with the addition of two little girls, became a single parent, as well as purchased, renovated and sold two homes. I was also employed fulltime and continued to maintain a high level of performance with my present employer being promoted three times and receiving 12 performance/special achievement awards.

Giving back through volunteering has always been a belief of mine. For example, I have recently served as president of my daughters school PTO. During this time I lead the organization to be incorporated at the state and federal levels as well as obtained the classification of a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization through the IRS. I have also enjoyed coaching multiple youth sports teams including softball and soccer as well as serving on DoD wide task force groups without compensation.

Additionally, recent accomplishments I have made will not only assist in adding to the diverse experience of the class but also the personal insight that I bring. For instance, I was recently selected out of 900 people in my organization to be apart of the US Graduate School Executive Leadership Program. Applicants to this program are selected based on a committee's assessment of their leadership and management potential. The year long program immerses me with other selectees across the federal workforce and focuses on developing leadership competencies through curriculum and shadowing of senior level executives.

I was also formally invited and briefed the Chief of Naval Operations Executive Panel on my work with implementing and managing agile software development methods to teams across my organization. This panel included a Harvard University professor, a former assistant secretary of state, the vice president of Apple Inc. Asia, former president of Walt Disney Imagineering and the CEO of DiversityInc.

Those words of Abigail Adams hold a very special meaning to me. The overwhelming passion and determination I have to learn and in life have allowed me to achieve the things I have. There has not been one thing I have set out to accomplish with these feelings and failed to do so. Choosing to pursue a Kelly Direct MBA is no different. If granted admission; I WILL succeed. I will make the staff and faculty of the Kelly Direct program proud of me both during and into the future after my MBA endeavor.
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