Gatling
May 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why I Would be a Good Business Leader - Business Transfer Essay [2]
I would appreciate it very much if someone could help me improve my essay.
Prompt: What unique traits or personal characteristics will make you a successful business leader? What have you done to demonstrate your leadership potential? What clubs or organizations are you involved with? What is your role?
At the end of my junior year in high school, I volunteered to serve as a peer mentor for the incoming freshmen and ease their transition into high school. Over the summer, I attended leadership training sessions with other soon-to-be mentors. Before the school year began, I helped organize the freshmen orientation by directing a group of freshman around my high school and supervising them as they performed various team-building activities and completed tasks that had been outlined by the school faculty. I made sure they stayed engaged and followed the schedule. Once my senior year began, my job was to hold mentoring sessions twice a week in a freshmen homeroom. I spent the duration of these sessions facilitating school-related discussions and other activities as requested by the director of the mentoring program. In addition, I answered any questions the students had about classes or extracurriculars and helped them deal with other issues that were similar to the ones I experienced when I was a freshman.
In high school I was also co-founder of the Mock Trial club. My friend Nate and I had taken part in a mock trial for our Law class and we thought it was very enjoyable so we decided to start the club so that we could participate in more mock trials. I asked everyone I knew if they were interested in the club and then gathered the people that liked the idea. Our club finally became official once we had enough members and dealt with some paperwork. Together, Nate and I arranged a schedule for the club and planned meetings.
I have demonstrated leadership at the UIUC as well. I was one of few students in my residence hall to have the title of Fire Marshall. I attended a meeting where I was taught the fundamentals of fire prevention (with specifics related to dormitory rooms) and how to properly react to emergencies. An example of this is taking note of where all the exits are when entering a crowded building, because fatalities often arise when people overcrowd the main exit during a fire. As a Fire Marshall, it was my responsibility to check the dorms on my floor of the residence hall with my RA and make sure that they were fire safe. I considered this a very important duty because I recognized that the careless mistake of one person, such as plugging too many electronics into one outlet, could cause a dangerous situation (like an electrical fire) that puts many lives at risk.
I was involved at UIUC in other ways as well. I was a part of an organization called the National Organization for Business and Engineering in which I was a member of the Finance Committee. I was also a member of the Illinois Street Residence Hall Council with the role of suggesting activities that should be planned for the enjoyment of my fellow residence hall inhabitants.
I am also currently working for a company called Yellow Box Studios as a Marketing Intern. I use social media marketing such as Facebook and Twitter to promote the company and draw attention to a band called Flatley that is managed by Yellow Box Studios. I am excited that this position has allowed me to crack into the business world already.
*The limit is 4000 characters and I'm at about 3300
**One thing I was unsure about is how to incorporate my "unique traits that would make me a good business leader". Should I just do this in another paragraph or try to work it into the ones I already have?
Thanks a bunch! :)
I would appreciate it very much if someone could help me improve my essay.
Prompt: What unique traits or personal characteristics will make you a successful business leader? What have you done to demonstrate your leadership potential? What clubs or organizations are you involved with? What is your role?
At the end of my junior year in high school, I volunteered to serve as a peer mentor for the incoming freshmen and ease their transition into high school. Over the summer, I attended leadership training sessions with other soon-to-be mentors. Before the school year began, I helped organize the freshmen orientation by directing a group of freshman around my high school and supervising them as they performed various team-building activities and completed tasks that had been outlined by the school faculty. I made sure they stayed engaged and followed the schedule. Once my senior year began, my job was to hold mentoring sessions twice a week in a freshmen homeroom. I spent the duration of these sessions facilitating school-related discussions and other activities as requested by the director of the mentoring program. In addition, I answered any questions the students had about classes or extracurriculars and helped them deal with other issues that were similar to the ones I experienced when I was a freshman.
In high school I was also co-founder of the Mock Trial club. My friend Nate and I had taken part in a mock trial for our Law class and we thought it was very enjoyable so we decided to start the club so that we could participate in more mock trials. I asked everyone I knew if they were interested in the club and then gathered the people that liked the idea. Our club finally became official once we had enough members and dealt with some paperwork. Together, Nate and I arranged a schedule for the club and planned meetings.
I have demonstrated leadership at the UIUC as well. I was one of few students in my residence hall to have the title of Fire Marshall. I attended a meeting where I was taught the fundamentals of fire prevention (with specifics related to dormitory rooms) and how to properly react to emergencies. An example of this is taking note of where all the exits are when entering a crowded building, because fatalities often arise when people overcrowd the main exit during a fire. As a Fire Marshall, it was my responsibility to check the dorms on my floor of the residence hall with my RA and make sure that they were fire safe. I considered this a very important duty because I recognized that the careless mistake of one person, such as plugging too many electronics into one outlet, could cause a dangerous situation (like an electrical fire) that puts many lives at risk.
I was involved at UIUC in other ways as well. I was a part of an organization called the National Organization for Business and Engineering in which I was a member of the Finance Committee. I was also a member of the Illinois Street Residence Hall Council with the role of suggesting activities that should be planned for the enjoyment of my fellow residence hall inhabitants.
I am also currently working for a company called Yellow Box Studios as a Marketing Intern. I use social media marketing such as Facebook and Twitter to promote the company and draw attention to a band called Flatley that is managed by Yellow Box Studios. I am excited that this position has allowed me to crack into the business world already.
*The limit is 4000 characters and I'm at about 3300
**One thing I was unsure about is how to incorporate my "unique traits that would make me a good business leader". Should I just do this in another paragraph or try to work it into the ones I already have?
Thanks a bunch! :)