bmarie
Oct 5, 2011
Writing Feedback / "The Ultimate Coach" - Descriptive essay about my soccer coach [NEW]
Can you please help me check for grammar, spelling etc. ?
The Ultimate Coach
It was my second year trying out for the JV soccer team at McKeel Academy. The fact that we were getting a new coach evoked many emotions from the previous years' team. We didn't know what to expect, but we were filled with curiosity and excitement like a little kid going to Disney for the first time. All the competitors for a spot on the JV team were anxious, as they didn't know what this coach was looking for in his players. That was when I had met Coach Sweeney and he was nothing like anybody I had met before. He was a very young dapper man with very short brown hair. He appeared vigorously fit as you could see his muscles bulging out. He seemed like a man with confidence that knows what he's doing. He was strong in his push for us to show him what we were made of. Tryouts were rigorous; I was thankful and exhausted when I made the team.
On the first day of practice, our bodies were sweating, breathing hard, and experiencing an adrenaline rush. We were sweating like melting ice on a hot summer day. We started our practice with one hundred toe taps and one hundred foot dribbles. We had done many different varieties of drills and then finished off with suicides. This was almost on a daily basis. The tremendous season was such a great success and the main driving force behind this success was Coach Sweeney. The taste of this victorious season was one that was savored. He built up so much confidence in the players like the confidence that Beyonce displays as she walks onto the stage ready to begin her performance. He made numerous predictions for every game that made the players feel highly impressed and almost all of his predictions came true. He repeatedly told us, "If you work hard at practice, you will earn playing time." Our team's motivation increased like a Lamborghini accelerating from zero to sixty miles per hour in four seconds. Another bit of advice that he gave us was, "You play like you practice." Every player on the team went out on the soccer field for a game like warriors on a battlefield. I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. We worked so hard that the season results were eleven wins, one tie, and three loses.
The next season brought about devastation and grief that filled our hearts as we found out Sweeney accepted a position to coach the Boys Varsity Soccer Team. Personally at that time, my feelings were that I was a stray dog being captured and taken to the pound. The Coach we had was good but didn't compare to Sweeney. We had another successful year on the JV team but I honestly think that some of the returning players used Sweeney's advice from the previous year. The soccer ball called out to us mimicking Sweeney's words. At the end of the season, the Varsity coach announced his resignation. Almost on cue, like bees buzzing to a hive, every player sent Coach Sweeney a text from their cell phones pleading for him to come back and coach the Girl's Varsity soccer team. We could smell the thrill of victory when Sweeney replied, "Yes."
The feeling of happiness when Coach Sweeney showed up at tryouts was slung at us like a slingshot. The soccer field became an atmosphere of a warm welcoming family reunion. He immediately catapulted us in getting ready for the season. He had us practice trapping the ball and running the usual suicides at the end of every practice. His strategy focused on winning fifty-fifty balls, a time when two players race to get the ball first. He kept telling us, "Nobody has worked as hard as you have. You earn it and you deserve it." He kept telling us this so we could believe that we could do anything we put our minds to. I had so much respect for him; I didn't want to let him down. He pushed us further this year because he believed in us and that we could take a District title. He predicted that we would annihilate the other team in the Semi-finals and advance to finals. We ended up abolishing Mulberry's team in the Semi-finals and the results were a 3-0 score. Coach Sweeney's prediction came to reality and we were astonished. We were eager to have that District Championship trophy held in our hands. We entered the District Final game were no McKeel soccer player had ever gone with total enthusiasm. We played on the field like a herd of bulls stampeding towards the goal. Coach Sweeney enticing players to take their time on the soccer field and meticulously move the ball. Finally, it was time, as the referee blew the whistle signaling the end of the game with McKeel defeating Frost proof in a 2-1 score. Coach Sweeney shouted with joy as the whole team sprinted to him victoriously. It was a spectacular moment in our lives that really meant something to us. We held that big, shiny gold District Champion trophy like something of great value and meaning. We strutted off the field with the trophy like proud peacocks. It gave tears of joy to our team and to our coach. The hard work paid off with our season record of sixteen wins, three ties, and three loses. Winning felt great and this was something we couldn't have done without the support and encouragement of Coach Sweeney.
Coach Sweeney is someone that has impacted my life extremely. His advice was not only helpful on the soccer field, but advice to take through life. If you work hard at a job, you will achieve a higher position reflecting off when he said, " If you work hard at practice, you will earn playing time." In reality, you put as much effort in your job once you have that job as you did trying to get the job. This was a lesson that I learned from his comment, "You play like you practice." He had made me believe in myself and become a much more confident person. He had a great personality and he was a person that took soccer seriously to a point. He had a sense of humor that made unforgettable memories to the team. The relationship and love between our team and Coach Sweeney is unexplainable. It is the kind of love that we show by just being there for the team. He was very clever, trustworthy, and observant. He was a fan that blew you away. He was my superhero.
Can you please help me check for grammar, spelling etc. ?
The Ultimate Coach
It was my second year trying out for the JV soccer team at McKeel Academy. The fact that we were getting a new coach evoked many emotions from the previous years' team. We didn't know what to expect, but we were filled with curiosity and excitement like a little kid going to Disney for the first time. All the competitors for a spot on the JV team were anxious, as they didn't know what this coach was looking for in his players. That was when I had met Coach Sweeney and he was nothing like anybody I had met before. He was a very young dapper man with very short brown hair. He appeared vigorously fit as you could see his muscles bulging out. He seemed like a man with confidence that knows what he's doing. He was strong in his push for us to show him what we were made of. Tryouts were rigorous; I was thankful and exhausted when I made the team.
On the first day of practice, our bodies were sweating, breathing hard, and experiencing an adrenaline rush. We were sweating like melting ice on a hot summer day. We started our practice with one hundred toe taps and one hundred foot dribbles. We had done many different varieties of drills and then finished off with suicides. This was almost on a daily basis. The tremendous season was such a great success and the main driving force behind this success was Coach Sweeney. The taste of this victorious season was one that was savored. He built up so much confidence in the players like the confidence that Beyonce displays as she walks onto the stage ready to begin her performance. He made numerous predictions for every game that made the players feel highly impressed and almost all of his predictions came true. He repeatedly told us, "If you work hard at practice, you will earn playing time." Our team's motivation increased like a Lamborghini accelerating from zero to sixty miles per hour in four seconds. Another bit of advice that he gave us was, "You play like you practice." Every player on the team went out on the soccer field for a game like warriors on a battlefield. I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. We worked so hard that the season results were eleven wins, one tie, and three loses.
The next season brought about devastation and grief that filled our hearts as we found out Sweeney accepted a position to coach the Boys Varsity Soccer Team. Personally at that time, my feelings were that I was a stray dog being captured and taken to the pound. The Coach we had was good but didn't compare to Sweeney. We had another successful year on the JV team but I honestly think that some of the returning players used Sweeney's advice from the previous year. The soccer ball called out to us mimicking Sweeney's words. At the end of the season, the Varsity coach announced his resignation. Almost on cue, like bees buzzing to a hive, every player sent Coach Sweeney a text from their cell phones pleading for him to come back and coach the Girl's Varsity soccer team. We could smell the thrill of victory when Sweeney replied, "Yes."
The feeling of happiness when Coach Sweeney showed up at tryouts was slung at us like a slingshot. The soccer field became an atmosphere of a warm welcoming family reunion. He immediately catapulted us in getting ready for the season. He had us practice trapping the ball and running the usual suicides at the end of every practice. His strategy focused on winning fifty-fifty balls, a time when two players race to get the ball first. He kept telling us, "Nobody has worked as hard as you have. You earn it and you deserve it." He kept telling us this so we could believe that we could do anything we put our minds to. I had so much respect for him; I didn't want to let him down. He pushed us further this year because he believed in us and that we could take a District title. He predicted that we would annihilate the other team in the Semi-finals and advance to finals. We ended up abolishing Mulberry's team in the Semi-finals and the results were a 3-0 score. Coach Sweeney's prediction came to reality and we were astonished. We were eager to have that District Championship trophy held in our hands. We entered the District Final game were no McKeel soccer player had ever gone with total enthusiasm. We played on the field like a herd of bulls stampeding towards the goal. Coach Sweeney enticing players to take their time on the soccer field and meticulously move the ball. Finally, it was time, as the referee blew the whistle signaling the end of the game with McKeel defeating Frost proof in a 2-1 score. Coach Sweeney shouted with joy as the whole team sprinted to him victoriously. It was a spectacular moment in our lives that really meant something to us. We held that big, shiny gold District Champion trophy like something of great value and meaning. We strutted off the field with the trophy like proud peacocks. It gave tears of joy to our team and to our coach. The hard work paid off with our season record of sixteen wins, three ties, and three loses. Winning felt great and this was something we couldn't have done without the support and encouragement of Coach Sweeney.
Coach Sweeney is someone that has impacted my life extremely. His advice was not only helpful on the soccer field, but advice to take through life. If you work hard at a job, you will achieve a higher position reflecting off when he said, " If you work hard at practice, you will earn playing time." In reality, you put as much effort in your job once you have that job as you did trying to get the job. This was a lesson that I learned from his comment, "You play like you practice." He had made me believe in myself and become a much more confident person. He had a great personality and he was a person that took soccer seriously to a point. He had a sense of humor that made unforgettable memories to the team. The relationship and love between our team and Coach Sweeney is unexplainable. It is the kind of love that we show by just being there for the team. He was very clever, trustworthy, and observant. He was a fan that blew you away. He was my superhero.