Posts by RockyFinn

RockyFinn

Oct 10, 2011

Undergraduate / 'pizza from Pizza My Heart' - Stanford Supplement "Roommate Letter" [3]

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

Howdy bro,

Hope that I didn't freak you out when you first entered the dorm room. This is not a Nike workshop, rather, come and meet my vault: pirate headbands, a pair of Nike Air Troupe, two training arm bands... As a dancer, these are my ammunitions.

Yeah, I know I'm at the Farm, but dancing is always half of my life. I love dancing for those simple moves aren't just a test of agility but a test of my creativity. Breaking is a blank sheet of paper that you can add whatever you like on it. With no set moves, I enjoy the chances of creating new moves and combos that offer others visual sensations. With infinite ways waiting to be explored to express myself through the moves, my creativity will only get bolder and more "freestyle" as I tries to dig out the artistic potential in me. I will be super happy to have you join me in this process, drawing out poses on a piece of paper that you think is unique and we can try it out afterwards. Actually, I have lately modified the "Nike Freeze" move so that it fits my style better so that I can easily make transitions to other moves. This I will be glad to show it to you while we wait for pizza from Pizza My Heart.

Besides, dancing is also is the door to another world. Once the music hits, I feel there is no gravity to pull me down anymore. Though be WARNED that the spirit is highly contiguous and will influence everybody around me. People watching me can also feel their adrenaline rushing and have the impulse to tap their feet or move kick their legs a bit. Back in the dorm, a stretch of arms, a twist of legs, the moves pumps out positive vibes that will dominate your mind and leave no room for your despair over a ten-page long history assignment. Sure, you can come to me if you want to learn a few tricks and bring more vitality to others on the Farm. Maybe we can creep up ten minutes earlier every morning and train.

Can't wait team up with you in Stanford,
Steve

Thanks a lot guys!!!

RockyFinn

Oct 10, 2011

Undergraduate / 'pizza from Pizza My Heart' - Stanford Supplement "Roommate Letter" [3]

I'll surely change those wordings. Need to be aware of my audiences. Thanks macybee. I'll polish it again and see what else can i come up with.

RockyFinn

Oct 11, 2011

Undergraduate / "How Chick-Fil-A has impacted my life" -My Application Essay to University of Florida [4]

I really like the beginning, you start getting people really what to see if you get the job or not. But i think that the tranisiton between your interview and the thrill you get the next day is a bit too quick, mayeb you can add one or two sentences there to make it flow better. The qualities you developed there are really impressive and are really good qualities. You did a good job not making it sound very boring for people. you know how most people will feel when they list what they learned at interships. Here is only a suggestion: if you can focus on two or three most important lessons you learned and expand on them, maybe it will be more impressive. People cannot remember all those lessons you get there. Anything than that, I think it really showed who you are and how awesome you will make UF's community.

RockyFinn

Oct 11, 2011

Undergraduate / 'interested in aero space technology' - Purdue University essay [3]

First, "Since I was a child, I have been interested in aero space technology." aerospace is a word, not two. "I've bought lot of books on the universe and the space technologies that humankind has developed." Generally, people don't begin a sentence with "but." A lot of writers do that, but teachers will always correct the using of "but" to start a sentence.

"And I reluctantly went to tour." You don't need the "and" here, it makes the logic kinda weird.
There is a thing called "show, don't tell." You need to express how the rocket imspired you rather than saying "I was so touched and inspired by this real Saturn rocket in front of me."

"I choose to go to the Purdue university, not only because, Neil Armstrong is from this university," You don't need the comma.

You described a lot of details about the NASA but you also need to really make one point stand out. This point has to be unique. This is why you want to study aerospace. You reason for studying aerospace is fine, but i think you might do better if you dig deeper into yourself and ask yourself why do you want to study aerospace. I bet there are reasons besides sending Japanese to the moon. Maybe you want to prove some theory, maybe you want to chanllenge some fact. I don't know... Anything that is interest that will make the admissions officer in Purdue think that you are the next Neil Armstrong.