Undergraduate / "I was fourteen and it was Christmastime" - Common App Expereince Essay [4]

Well, it's definitely a good story, but I'm not sure about a college application essay. You should either write on a completely different topic, or add in some more positive attributes about yourself and why you'd be a good student. I think you need less "We lost our house," and more "Losing my house made me a better person." Center the essay around yourself, not the house you miss. I do realize that if you did this you may lose some of the impact and sentimentalities of the essay, but that's why I suggested you write it on a different topic. It is very well written and interesting, but not really appropriate for a college application.

Undergraduate / 'pizza from Pizza My Heart' - Stanford Supplement "Roommate Letter" [3]

It's really good! That's a great prompt, I wish the schools I was applying to had a prompt like that.
But I am really confused about a lot of the references in your essay. "the Farm", "Nike Air Troupe", "training arm bands", "breaking", "Nike Freeze", "Pizza my heart"? I have no idea what these terms mean. Maybe some of these you'd have to know the school to understand, but I think you should assume your readers know nothing about dancing and offer a little more explanation.

The sentence "This is not a Nike workshop, rather, come and meet my vault: pirate headbands, a pair of Nike Air Troupe, two training arm bands... As a dancer, these are my ammunitions," seems like it needs grammatical work, but I'm not entirely sure how you'd phrase it right. You should get rid of the "..." for sure.

""freestyle" as I try." I don't think warned should be all caps. "spirit is highly contagious" "Can't wait to team up with you in Stanford."

Undergraduate / "How Chick-Fil-A has impacted my life" -My Application Essay to University of Florida [4]

Thanks for your advice! I've made the first paragraph smoother and fixed some stuff up here and there, but I'm still working on the main part. I'm not sure how to divulge on the different traits smoothly without having a paragraph for each, and I only have a 500 word maximum (this is around 480).

"I need employees who are dependable, hard working, and quick learners." These words of Brad, the operator of my local Chick-fil-A, made me slightly nervous. Was I all of those things? "I have a very good people-sense; I can easily tell who's going to be someone I want to hire," Brad said, and I felt that he could see straight through me. After being drilled with many difficult questions, and shaking hands goodbye, I felt sick to my stomach. I had failed my first job interview. I could never meet Brad's high expectations - I might as well apply to be a CEO somewhere. The next few days seemed to stretch on forever. But three days later I answered my phone, not expecting it to be Brad. To my utter delight, he had called me back! I had got the job! I must have been that kind of person after all.

A month later, after completing the intensive training, I was skilled enough to tackle the job on my own without a manager tailing me. It was hard work to please my employers, and stressful at times, but soon I got the hang of it. Two months later, I was Above and Beyond Performer of the Month, and my picture was hung on the wall.

My journey in working at Chick-fil-A has been a worthwhile one. Being a cashier at Chick-fil-A may not seem impressive to some, but to me it is the best job at the best place with the best employers! I am so thankful for the impact Chick-fil-A has had in my life, and not just financially. It has changed my work ethic drastically. No longer do I waste time and wish upon stars - now I know to savor every moment and that if you want something, you have to work for it. My managers have taught me to never be stagnant - to always be actively learning and improving. An insightful manager once challenged me to learn a new thing every day. I accepted that challenge and find pleasure in seeking out new learning experiences. I have developed crucial customer service and people skills that will be useful the rest of my life. At Chick-fil-A, I have become a better team player and enjoy working with others. I have met some of my dearest friends, and have strengthened those relationships in a way that can only come through working as a team. Thanks to Chick-fil-A, I have been molded in such a way that will bring me nothing but good all the rest of my days.

Reinventing my work ethic, giving me a lust for education, and making me a better team player are only a few qualities that Chick-fil-A has built in me. I will bring all of these wonderful traits that Chick-fil-A has built in me to the University of Florida. As Brad said, dependability, hard working, and quick learning are all attributes that make an employee great, and I have these attributes. I believe these same qualities are what also make a student great.

Undergraduate / 'strive for the best and never give up' - FSU admission [4]

I agree with Leah about your sentences and such. Have a friend or teacher read through it and help you work out your grammatical mistakes.

"When I was growing up I was very talented and experienced I was able to do a lot of different things that a lot of young children weren't able to do at my age." Like what? Give us some examples. Also I think you should take the word "experienced" out because it really doesn't make sense to say a little kid is experienced (experience usually comes with age). "My mother and my grandparents provided me with majority everything, and they made sure they supported me in everything that I do." Again, give us some examples on what you did.

"it was quite difficult for her to leave a $17/ hour job," I don't think this is relevant to the topic, "I like FSU's leadership."

"Approximately about 10% of the class of 2012 desires to make an alteration in the world since everyone is deplorable on behalf of an adjustment to transpire. By we being the ensuing generation advanced with the new technology equipped to precede the responsibility as well as delegating successfully on the work that were assign or left for us to do. To numerous populaces leadership remains observed by as of it being controlling, however I personally look at it as of being looked up to or taking the responsibility to lead populaces the directions you never went but wish you had a better opportunity to go these routes." - this whole paragraph doesn't really make sense. I do get the gist that you appreciate leadership, which is a really good aspect about yourself. You just need to totally rewrite this in basic language to make sense, then edit and add in bigger words later if you want. Also I think you should take the first sentence out. Remember, this essay is all about you and how you want to learn leadership at FSU. This isn't an argumentative essay trying to prove a point - you don't need evidence and statistics.

"Embroil" - I think you use this word twice and it really doesn't make sense. You should find a different word.

"From time to time" - This phrase makes whatever you say seem not very true. From time to time could mean 1 time out of ten trillion times. It's very vague and isn't formal like the rest of your essay seems to be. You could rephrase "several of them suffer from time to time because..." to something like "and many of them now suffer because..."

The fact that you believe in being a good role model and that you value leadership are very good points. The essay has a good idea but isn't carried out as well as it could be. Ask someone you know to help work out the sentence structure and language, it definitely needs work.