Many people do not have the accurate leadership involve in their life as growing up from childhood to adulthood, several of them suffer from time to time because they were never exposed to the positive guidelines through life. My early childhood I was also embroil around older individuals, for this reason it was formulating me for the maturity levels that I will soon get to in the future. Traveling all across the USA with my grandmother for leadership purposes, I believe that being a role model to other individuals is important because you never know if they will ever have or had the right leadership to abide by in their life. By me being the first born child in my immediate family I didn't know how to abide by certain things, so it's left all on me to lead my younger siblings by an example to help them in everyday situation that they are struggling with.
When I was growing up I was very talented and experienced I was able to do a lot of different things that a lot of young children weren't able to do at my age. My mother and my grandparents provided me with majority everything, and they made sure they supported me in everything that I do. Since my father was in the military so far away meaning that there were only one parent that I had to depend on which was my mother. My mother had difficulties from time to time because she had to quit her job to take care of my disable sister who is suffering from hydrocephalus where she had to have surgery done on her brain; it was quite difficult for her to leave a $17/ hour job. Now she has to be a stay at home mom taking care of my youngest two sisters who recently had surgery.
Approximately about 10% of the class of 2012 desires to make an alteration in the world since everyone is deplorable on behalf of an adjustment to transpire. By we being the ensuing generation advanced with the new technology equipped to precede the responsibility as well as delegating successfully on the work that were assign or left for us to do. To numerous populaces leadership remains observed by as of it being controlling, however I personally look at it as of being looked up to or taking the responsibility to lead populaces the directions you never went but wish you had a better opportunity to go these routes.
Florida State University will benefit me to keep this good leadership ability I have because there are so many diverse programs that FSU offer that will assistance me to upsurge my leadership to higher levels. Getting embroil in peer counseling programs with teens around the FSU community at local middle schools and high schools to keep motivating them to strive for the best and never give up, no matter what no one says do what makes you happy by reaching for the stars, but don't just touch it grab it and hold on to it as long as you can.
Hello! I think you have wonderful ideas here, but your writing mechanics are standing in the way just a little bit. For example, I'm not sure what you mean by "accurate" leadership or "majority everything". I think you should really read through your essay and make sure each sentence works on its own as a sentence, as well as adding to the content. Don't forget, you don't have to use big words--the right word is always better than a fancy word.
In terms of the content, I like it! You do a good job of explaining why Florida State University is a good fit for you, which is the most important part of a college essay. However, sentences like "Approximately about 10% of the class of 2012 desires to make an alteration in the world since everyone is deplorable on behalf of an adjustment to transpire." don't make sense, and that takes away from your content. Make sure each sentence makes sense on its own, and your essay will improve the mechanics to match the ideas you have. Good luck in your admissions process!
I agree with Leah about your sentences and such. Have a friend or teacher read through it and help you work out your grammatical mistakes.
"When I was growing up I was very talented and experienced I was able to do a lot of different things that a lot of young children weren't able to do at my age." Like what? Give us some examples. Also I think you should take the word "experienced" out because it really doesn't make sense to say a little kid is experienced (experience usually comes with age). "My mother and my grandparents provided me with majority everything, and they made sure they supported me in everything that I do." Again, give us some examples on what you did.
"it was quite difficult for her to leave a $17/ hour job," I don't think this is relevant to the topic, "I like FSU's leadership."
"Approximately about 10% of the class of 2012 desires to make an alteration in the world since everyone is deplorable on behalf of an adjustment to transpire. By we being the ensuing generation advanced with the new technology equipped to precede the responsibility as well as delegating successfully on the work that were assign or left for us to do. To numerous populaces leadership remains observed by as of it being controlling, however I personally look at it as of being looked up to or taking the responsibility to lead populaces the directions you never went but wish you had a better opportunity to go these routes." - this whole paragraph doesn't really make sense. I do get the gist that you appreciate leadership, which is a really good aspect about yourself. You just need to totally rewrite this in basic language to make sense, then edit and add in bigger words later if you want. Also I think you should take the first sentence out. Remember, this essay is all about you and how you want to learn leadership at FSU. This isn't an argumentative essay trying to prove a point - you don't need evidence and statistics.
"Embroil" - I think you use this word twice and it really doesn't make sense. You should find a different word.
"From time to time" - This phrase makes whatever you say seem not very true. From time to time could mean 1 time out of ten trillion times. It's very vague and isn't formal like the rest of your essay seems to be. You could rephrase "several of them suffer from time to time because..." to something like "and many of them now suffer because..."
The fact that you believe in being a good role model and that you value leadership are very good points. The essay has a good idea but isn't carried out as well as it could be. Ask someone you know to help work out the sentence structure and language, it definitely needs work.
ok thanks for you guys support i will do that asap...
