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Posts by fineboy
Joined: Oct 20, 2011
Last Post: Oct 23, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

Displayed posts: 8
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fineboy   
Oct 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Initially disappointed with physics' - Common app for Upenn [7]

This is the my 1st time to post my essay on this forum. Could anyone help correcting my paper? Thanks a lot!

The late autumn sun lazily spilled its light and warmth into my room, but I, a future Nobel Prize winner, could not get my mind focused, and was stuck on a quiz relating to Newton's Second Law. Disappointed with physics, I threw away my pen, lay on my bed, and freed my mind to wonder aimlessly around.

When I woke up I found myself in a structure similar to Plato's cave, dim and dank, with my hands and feet chained to the ground. As I sat, my neck felt stiff and prevented me from looking around. A wall I was facing quite resembled a cinema screen, on which I saw puppets dancing and playing.

A voice came from behind, "Do not be deceived by those shadows of reality. Let me show you the truth."
Truth? Until last week I did not doubt that I would be a physicist to explore the truth of this world. I used to enjoy the elegance and conciseness of Newton's law, though it troubled me right now. However, relativity kicked Newton's truth to the backyard of physics. Then "Quark" and "String" were thrown at me like a bowl of thick gravy that spilled over my head. Einstein did not grab the whole truth either. Generations of physicists who tried to reveal truth were like Sisyphus who rolled his boulder. Again and again Sisyphus's boulder rolled back down and physicists proved "truth" to be untrue. Where is the ultimate truth, if there is any? I felt frustrated.

The voice came again, "It's great that you know Sisyphus. Let me tell you more. "
A thin pamphlet appeared before my eyes, The Myth of Sisyphus. The following words queued in a line: "The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory." Though Sisyphus knew his fate, he kept rolling because "the struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart."

Was I not a man?
"Stupid! There were young people who said that they would rather die than suffer the pain of illness. Nonsense!" I heard the voice of an old man I met in a nursing home. He had a severe stroke three years ago and the lower half of his body was paralyzed. His skin was as dry as tree bark and the bones on his hands protruded. Nevertheless, he was a man. He deemed his life worthy, and his illness never prevented him from loving his life. In contrast, by criticizing physics for its incapability to capture the ultimate truth I had let go the fulfillment that I should have experienced. The joy of searching, analyzing and calculating had escaped my sight.

Give me a boulder, and I will roll it! A thousand torches were suddenly lit in the cave, and fierce heat started to boil my blood A volcano then erupted in my chest, and the fire of physics went on to consume my body. My back was burnt and under great ache I screamed, "Rise!" I broke free from the chains and suddenly saw fireworks in the sky.

Wonderful sunshine greeted me from outside my window, but I felt my back was still on fire: I was lying against my pen.

Longxuan Wang
fineboy   
Oct 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the people I love in Colombia' - Stanford -- What matters to you and why? [5]

I think you've got a good topic by talking about laughter and family.
Then, some advice:
1. You mentioned rough times , but i think it may be better if you state the situation more clearly with one sentence or two. i nearly neglected it when i first read your essay.

2.The essay is full your thoughts, which sounds a bit philosophical. But i think you may add more detailed descriptions or conversations between family members so that your essay may appeare more lively.

3. I did not catch that "speed of laughter" part. maybe its my fault that i've never heard of it. :-)
fineboy   
Oct 20, 2011
Undergraduate / Unusual circumstances in my life: Moral ambivalence in a running bus -CommonApp Essay [2]

The second half of the essay, that is, the reaction of the old lady, really surprised me, and your point of view is mind-inspiring.
Then, I think you need some revising in following parts:
1. I think that your conclusion, the last four paragraphs, is not strong enough. You may tell your story more succintly so that you can leave more space to explain your conclusion. I belive you can make a very good point by doing that.

2.This part: Unable to sleep, I related a topic to another, making up my own messy story. When I finally decide to finish it, I was a billionaire dwelling in an old shack. is detracting. I simply do not understand what this sentence has to do with your overall idea.

3 . Adding more details may make your essay more lively.
I wish my advice helps :-)
fineboy   
Oct 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'abandoning a strict and objective class setting' - UChicago Supplemental [4]

Sure I think you need to add more things that are unique to UChicago. I feel that most of the advantages you mentioned can be as easily found in any other colleges as in UChicago. Since you only has two paragraphs, I think it's better to focus on just one or two points and explain them more comprehensively.

Eg: why do you like abstract essay prompts?
Wish this helps.
fineboy   
Oct 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My family - the fountain of all my happiness' - Upenn Supplement short [4]

This is an essay to introduce myself. Could anyone tell me if my essay is an good introduction or not? The harsh criticism is welcomed!

Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

My family is the fountain of all my happiness. Both my parents are first generation college students in their families, and from them I have received the education I desire and the great care that I may never fully pay back. A Chinese saying goes, "one loves his parents by loving himself." Through the years, I am always striving to better myself. When I wake up to greet the morning sun I prepare myself for a day's work. When I crawled into my bed, I examine if I have lived a full day. While I was writing this essay, my mom handed me a bowl of hot milk and wraped a warm coat around my shoulders. Light steam rose from the white china bowl and blurred my computer screen.

In the College, I will take the most challenging courses because I am confident of the gifts that my parents bestowed upon me. Away from my country, I will never indulge in loneliness because I have a family that I belong to, a family that I am responsible for.
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