Undergraduate / 'Love for art, music, computers, web/media, acting' - College Application [3]

hi mantica.to me using different range of vocabulary is nice.but the thing that make me upset is using I in your essay even for several time!you know for having a well arranged essay personal ideas must not be included.it is self evident that your writing is like writing memory.your introduction and conculotion is nice.try to use passive structure in your essay more.