Undergraduate / 'the birth of my creativity' - something you do for pleasure [7]

Thanks..

Anyone else....I really need help on this!!!!

Undergraduate / 'yet to meet people from another culture' - common app [3]

I don't know. To me, it's only to me, it doesn't answer anything. For example let me point out the problem zones:

'I couldn't rip the smile I had on my face even if I tried to.' But why would you want to do that in a joyous moment like that? Is there any particular reason that you might have wanted to share with the readers?

Here I was, sitting in a stadium amidst people, young and old, from the most diverse range of races and creeds, reflecting on my life. How did it reflect on your life? What particular incident really marked the significance of that diversity? I think you may need to toil on this.

I was taken back to my childhood holidays in my home country of Mali, sinking my teeth into those juicy mangos mangoes that often ended up dyeing my clothes yellow by the time I was done, that my grandmother never forgot to remind Fatima, her helper, to pluck from the huge tree before my arrival. Nor the days spent at my grandfather's house watching the older women cook from the large stew pot and then later gathering with the entire family to eat from the huge dish. This particular paragraph only tells us, the readers, that you like mangoes. And to tell you frankly, it describes the art of mango-plucking and cooking rather than exposing your personality.

There are many such empty sentences. You must really try hard to tell us something about you and only you. You have the necessary writing skills that are needed. Best of luck!! :)

Undergraduate / "Watching the sun rise from Mount Fuji" Common App [4]

I think it's a nice narrative BUT I afraid this is not what they meant. They just didn't ask for a picnic/tour story but they did ask you to write about an incident from where you learned valuable moral lessons/changed yourself!! Try to figure this out. You can do it!

Undergraduate / MIT "World You Come From" - Rural India [2]

Good point. Try to spice the essay up with what you really want to do!! :)

Undergraduate / Doing the "Impossible"--Common App Essay [3]

Hi,

It's really good to stitch your life experience with a TV show. However, I would like to point out some errors.

(, did eight different tasks next, one after another, and at the end raised a balloon with your team sign hung from it.) I don't understand the meaning that this sentence is conveying.

The show, Expedition Impossible, consisted of thirteen brave teams, with three contestants each, who competed with each other, doing impossible tasks, in ten different stages of the expedition to take home the final prize of $150,000 and three new Ford Explorers. Seeing these teams race across desserts on camels, run over steep snowy mountains, sail through rivers with high winds, jump into rivers from high mountains, and solve impossible puzzles

Eric Weihenmayer of team "No Limits", a 42-year old blind man, is known to be the first blind person to reach the Seven Great Summits of the world, of which one was Mount Everest. It is one thing to see people do impossible expeditions but a totally another experience to see a team consisting of a blind guy do things that even healthy people can't do and take home second place at the end of the month long expedition. I think you are using too much description.

Try to overcome these things. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / 'the birth of my creativity' - something you do for pleasure [7]

Anyone?

Undergraduate / Short Answer: Department which appeals most to you- biological/biomedical engineering [3]

96 words....Thumbs Up!! Really expresses your love for the subject and that is wonderfully portrayed. However, wouldn't it be good enough if you describe one faculty in particular?

Hope you can help with mine!

Undergraduate / Short Essay- "Time management has been the hardest skill to learn" [5]

My head suddenly jolted backwards as I felt a heavy kick next to my legs. Might clear this one up.

has not been integrating trigonometric functions n or cross-breeding fruit flies

It will be OK after such minor adjustments!! :)

Undergraduate / 'Focus on business and human resources' - Describe the world you come from [4]

I think you must explain your father's personality that made him so prominent and thus the trait you inherited from him.

P.S. Help with mine!!!