Stephenhanrahan
Nov 20, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'My parents and my teachers were proud' - Shortening Essay? [2]
College Essay
So far its 732, and i've read it needs to be just barely over 500 if its over. But i can't figure out what parts i need to cut out or what should i do with it... i have very mixed feelings on this essay. Any help would be greattttttly appreciated.
My bones turned into liquid as my father grabbed me with his fist, and geared up to hit me in the face. "I don't know who you are, but you're not a Hanrahan!" he yelled. I looked into the eyes of someone I loved, someone I admired, yet who returned my look with such contempt and disgrace that I was nearly breaking down in his grasp. My mother ran off into her bedroom, and the cacophony of her sobbing and my father's rage shattered my ears. This was a culmination of fights that had been happening the whole year, and I knew something had to change. My grades were going down, I stopped doing work, and while my teachers always said I had the potential and intelligence to be a great student, I was nearly failing some classes. I was depressed, and I something to give me new perspective or direction into achieving my potential.
By the end of sophomore year, I had a sudden urge to get away from it all and go out west and find what eluded me. A month later I found myself in the middle of a magnificent canyon blown away by the natural beauty of the Green River. I was in Utah, on an Outward Bound wilderness course, where I spent three weeks hiking in the La Sal Mountains and rafting down the Green River. In this part of my adventure, I was on my "solo", where students were given sufficient food and water and instructed to spend thirty-six hours alone in the desert. I was ready; I had already spent 18 days on the course, climbed five peaks, made great friends, and gotten myself into the best shape of my life. I had survived from heat exhaustion, pushed myself harder than I ever had in my life, and knew that if I could withstand anything out here, I could conquer anything back home.
About two hours in, the wind began to pick up. The sagebrush blew in the breeze, and sand began to swirl in my face. A storm was approaching, and I watched the river turn progressively darker with each minute. Thunder crashed and lightening streaked across the desert. I knew there was one thing that I hadn't learned yet, that I needed to teach myself - discipline. As the storm was about to break, I knew this was my opportunity to teach myself a lesson, as I was the biggest thing holding me back. I lay down on top of my tarp, took my shirt off and let it come. A torrential downpour of freezing rain hit my back. Within minutes I was shivering, fist clenched, holding on. I didn't want to hide from the storm; I didn't want my bones to turn to liquid beneath its wrath. After an hour I didn't even hear the thunder, the rain, or the wind. I heard my mother's sobbing, and saw my father's eyes. I had betrayed them, disgraced them, and I knew I had to take this fight. So I layed there in the freezing rain, shivering, for hours and hours, using all my will power to keep on going. The storm began to cease around midnight and I was sick and exhausted, but I knew I had made it. The next morning I felt different, like new blood was flowing through my veins.
When I got home, things were different. I had a new air about me and my parents were willing to give me a chance to win back their trust. In school, teachers gave me a new look as I rose up to meet their academic challenges and conduct myself with maturity and respect. I felt like I was at the top of my classes as an engaging participator, and a great abstract thinker. It was myself, my lack of confidence, discipline and general immaturity that dragged me down before. But after Utah, I really became the student and person of my potential. My parents and my teachers were proud, and I was rewarded with praises, good grades, and a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. I still think of that night in Utah when any new obstacle in life presents itself, and now I know from experience that I can rise up and conquer it.
College Essay
So far its 732, and i've read it needs to be just barely over 500 if its over. But i can't figure out what parts i need to cut out or what should i do with it... i have very mixed feelings on this essay. Any help would be greattttttly appreciated.
My bones turned into liquid as my father grabbed me with his fist, and geared up to hit me in the face. "I don't know who you are, but you're not a Hanrahan!" he yelled. I looked into the eyes of someone I loved, someone I admired, yet who returned my look with such contempt and disgrace that I was nearly breaking down in his grasp. My mother ran off into her bedroom, and the cacophony of her sobbing and my father's rage shattered my ears. This was a culmination of fights that had been happening the whole year, and I knew something had to change. My grades were going down, I stopped doing work, and while my teachers always said I had the potential and intelligence to be a great student, I was nearly failing some classes. I was depressed, and I something to give me new perspective or direction into achieving my potential.
By the end of sophomore year, I had a sudden urge to get away from it all and go out west and find what eluded me. A month later I found myself in the middle of a magnificent canyon blown away by the natural beauty of the Green River. I was in Utah, on an Outward Bound wilderness course, where I spent three weeks hiking in the La Sal Mountains and rafting down the Green River. In this part of my adventure, I was on my "solo", where students were given sufficient food and water and instructed to spend thirty-six hours alone in the desert. I was ready; I had already spent 18 days on the course, climbed five peaks, made great friends, and gotten myself into the best shape of my life. I had survived from heat exhaustion, pushed myself harder than I ever had in my life, and knew that if I could withstand anything out here, I could conquer anything back home.
About two hours in, the wind began to pick up. The sagebrush blew in the breeze, and sand began to swirl in my face. A storm was approaching, and I watched the river turn progressively darker with each minute. Thunder crashed and lightening streaked across the desert. I knew there was one thing that I hadn't learned yet, that I needed to teach myself - discipline. As the storm was about to break, I knew this was my opportunity to teach myself a lesson, as I was the biggest thing holding me back. I lay down on top of my tarp, took my shirt off and let it come. A torrential downpour of freezing rain hit my back. Within minutes I was shivering, fist clenched, holding on. I didn't want to hide from the storm; I didn't want my bones to turn to liquid beneath its wrath. After an hour I didn't even hear the thunder, the rain, or the wind. I heard my mother's sobbing, and saw my father's eyes. I had betrayed them, disgraced them, and I knew I had to take this fight. So I layed there in the freezing rain, shivering, for hours and hours, using all my will power to keep on going. The storm began to cease around midnight and I was sick and exhausted, but I knew I had made it. The next morning I felt different, like new blood was flowing through my veins.
When I got home, things were different. I had a new air about me and my parents were willing to give me a chance to win back their trust. In school, teachers gave me a new look as I rose up to meet their academic challenges and conduct myself with maturity and respect. I felt like I was at the top of my classes as an engaging participator, and a great abstract thinker. It was myself, my lack of confidence, discipline and general immaturity that dragged me down before. But after Utah, I really became the student and person of my potential. My parents and my teachers were proud, and I was rewarded with praises, good grades, and a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. I still think of that night in Utah when any new obstacle in life presents itself, and now I know from experience that I can rise up and conquer it.
