Undergraduate / "Child of two cultures" Rice University admissions essay [2]

Prompt: Quality of Rice's academic life and residential college system is influenced by the unique life expereinces and cultural traditions of the students. What perspective do you feel you will contribute to to the life at Rice

My Essay so far:
I am a child of two cultures. My parents are immigrants from china, but they try to raise me and my sister as citizens of the United States. Western and Eastern cultures could not be more different, yet I have learned to mix the two. I can eat my dinners with both chopsticks and forks and I can appreciate poems for both the meaning of the words and the beauty in its calligraphy. At Rice University I will be able to contribute my unique blend of Chinese and American cultures.

First of all, I feel I need to explain why my view of the world is unique. According to recent world statistics, one in five people speak Chinese, but a hefty majority of those people are the offspring of immigrants who were taught Chinese through their parents. I, on the other hand, had a firsthand account of the cultures and traditions because I spent the first three years of my life growing up in China. My parents, who were still in school earning their master's degrees, could not afford to take care of me, so they left me in my grandmother's care. My grandmother did not live in one of China's westernized urban cities; instead, she owned a small farm in a small village in one of the most rural parts of China. The setting that I grew up in was completely untouched by any outside influence; it was pure Chinese culture.

And then suddenly, I was thrown onto a plane, and flown to Chicago, one of the busiest and biggest cities in America. I had my first Christmas, rode on my first bus, and was astounded by how different the United States is when compared to my grandmother's small village in China. But I learned to adapt, and I readily accepted the new traditions and experiences that Chicago had to offer. But as I learned the new language and slowly assimilated into my preschool class, I held on to everything that I had learned from my first years. I mix Chinese and English in the same sentence when talking to my parents and my favorite dish became hamburgers with rice. I did more than retain my Chinese heritage; I built off it and tampered with it until it became unique to me.

Being raised in two polarly opposite cultural settings has taught me the importance of sharing ideas. I would not have survived the culture shock if I had tried to hold on to my strict agrarian way of life when I moved to Chicago. At the same time, I could not forget my time in China or else I would lose all the life lessons of humility and kindness that come with growing up on a farm. Instead, I learned to share ideas from both cultures, a skill that I still exercise today. In my opinion, no single perspective of any culture or ethnic background is superior to another. They are all equal pieces of a puzzle that create a full picture only when they joined in alliance with each other.

I will bring with me the ability merge the perspective of two cultures.

I have writer's block right now and everything I try to write sounds redundant (as do the last few paragraphs). I need to expand this essay a lot and I would appreciate any advice you have on how to do that.

Thank You!

Undergraduate / "learning through video games" - Why Computer Science (carnegie mellon) [4]

Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

I remember the braces, the glasses, and the awkward school dances of my second year in middle school. I honestly had no idea what I was doing back then and it was a struggle just to remember my locker combination. My goal that year was simply to survive, and possibly earn a few good grades along the way. Instead, I wound up uncovering my future in computer science, discovering my talent for 3d animation, and deciding what college I want to go to. 7th grade was one of the most disorientating years of my life, but it made the rest of my life so much more coherent.

I first became interested in computer science in my writing and typing course. I had chosen the class because its course description promised "learning through video games" and I have always been an eccentric video game fan. I showed up early on the first day, but was instantly disappointed when my teacher, Mrs. Kossler introduced us to Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor, the aforementioned "video game." I had already mastered my typing skills from working on my computer at home, so I did not expect to learn anything new from the class. I tried to pass the time by hiding behind my monitor and playing minesweeper, but Mrs. Kossler eventually noticed. Instead of being angry or disappointed, however, she was calm and composed. Mrs. Kossler understood why I was bored and she introduced me to what she called "a better waste of my time", a free program called Alice.

Alice is the 3d programming software that sparked my interest computer science. Before, I had no idea what computer science really was. I was misled by the word "science." I thought it was the study of computers and the falling green characters from the Matrix. But Alice showed me that computer science is more like an art than a science. It has the room for creativity that biology and chemistry lack. It is not about learning how to understand the code behind a computer program, but rather how to write that code and how to compile a new piece of software. Like an artist, I knew that what I could create with Alice was limited only by my imagination and dedication.

Of course, being a 13 year old, I had a very constricted imagination that thought about giant dinosaur fight scenes and gory shooting games most of the time. But in the confusion that was the 7th grade, it was refreshing to see something as complicated as a programming language become something as universally understandable as a T-rex battle. Computer science made sense to me, so I began to work at it and expand what I thought was possible. I began spending my lunches in the computer room and working on my Alice projects at home. Over the years, I moved from Alice, to Adobe Flash, to Blitz 3d. By high school, I had become part of a game programming community on yoyogames.com, sharing my creations online and actively participating in the community contests. As I practiced more and more, my imagination and ability grew. My ideas began becoming more creative and I had to dedicate most of my free time to learning new programming techniques in order to keep up. It became clear to me that I was going to study computer science in college.

Thanks in advance and just say so if you need help on your essay.
My first choice of colleges is Carnegie Mellon University, the creator of Alice. I have already learned so much from CMU, even before attending my first lecture. I do not know what it is like to mix ideas with some the brightest students in America or how exhilarating receiving a degree from one of the highest ranked computer science programs in the world feels. However, I have experienced the university's ideals firsthand. Carnegie Mellon's motto is "My heart is in the work" and through Alice, I have found "my work." Carnegie Mellon introduced me to my greatest passion.

Alright, so some things to note. College essays are due in like three days so I made this essay very vague on purpose because, at the very least, it will be used for 3 different colleges. I know this is a bad idea, but I'm not sure what choice I have. The last paragraph will be changed with every version of this essay I make, but that is also the paragraph I need the most help on. Also most "why this major" essays that I read online are all about helping people and changing the world, so I decided to take a different route. Let me know if it worked.