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Posts by ARStewart
Joined: Jan 17, 2012
Last Post: Jan 20, 2012
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ARStewart   
Jan 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my GPA would definitely soar' - Common Emerson College [2]

Hello, I hope that you find these suggestions helpful. I am at work so I only had time to work on the introductory paragraph, but I will try to come back to your essay later.

Until entering college, I had little difficulty getting what I wanted using nothing but sheer determination. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a rut since the start of my college career. .

Using the word "always" implies that you continue to have no difficulty getting what you want. You contradict your opening statement in the next sentence, so I changed it a bit to be more accurate.

I have changed from major to major, unsure of what it was that I wished to do with my life. I was dissatisfied with the institution in which I had enrolled, yet I continued to persevere out of comfort. Although it offered a "traditional" college experience and it was close to home, I found myself becoming used to living in a shell. I was not living out my dreams like I had promised I would.

You should avoid any negative comments directed at your current institution. Admissions folks tend to frown upon that. Likewise, you should work on connecting your thoughts and statements in ways that flow a bit better.

General comments:
Avoid using slang or informal language ("I will soar..." "mommy and daddy..." etc.)
Be more particular or detailed regarding important statements that sum you up as a candidate (internship opportunities, for example)
Avoid contradicting yourself and hyperbole ("this is the only college I have ever laid eyes on...")

Good luck!
ARStewart   
Jan 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Uni. of Washington Transfer - Intl. Development Studies Major [2]

Hello everyone,

I am in the process of applying for transfer to the University of Washington. My personal statement is not yet finished, but I feel that it is already too long and does not cover some important topics that define me as a student (study abroad, humanitarian trips to Africa, etc.). I would greatly appreciate any input and suggestions regarding how to improve the essay and make it more concise. Thank you all for your help! I will gladly return the favor.

The prompt is as follows :Academic History

______________________________________________________________________ _

I had already bought my plane ticket back to [state] when I came to the realization that it was time to leave [college] and move forward. Despite all of the opportunities and personal attention that I received at [college], I could not help but find myself feeling stagnant and unfulfilled. [college] had changed and I had changed with it, my academic and personal needs no longer being satisfied by the college. Having matured both intellectually and personally since first stepping onto the [college] campus, I now realize that my academic endeavors and sustained growth as an individual require that I attend a larger university with more diverse course offerings, opportunities for undergraduate research, and a metropolitan location that welcomes rather than resists progressive ideals. My goal is to find an institution that offers a degree with actual human value rather than mere material payoff. Years of searching, learning, experimentation, introspection and retrospection have brought me here.

I was fifteen when I traveled to rural Uganda to work as an assistant at a dilapidated orphanage outside of Mbale. I witnessed and experienced poverty in ways that no late-night infomercial nor celebrity testimony could realistically convey. Having grown up in an affluent metropolis where poverty and hunger are unknown, I had never seen the human face of poverty. I wanted answers. I set out to familiarize myself with the works of development economists and policymakers, immersing myself in the works of Sen, Easterly, Sachs, and other development specialists. I returned to Africa again at age seventeen, this time working in the war-torn countries of Burundi and Rwanda. I approached my second trip with a more defined understanding of the internal mechanics and socio-economic dynamics that contributed to the prevalence of poverty and economic stagnation that lay before me. To this day, I continue to immerse myself in the study of economic development in hopes that someday I will make a memorable impact within Africa, no matter how substantial or menial.

My academic interests and pursuits do not neatly fit into a single major. Following my trips to Sub-Saharan Africa, I initially intended to study International Relations and African Studies expecting that the subjects would prepare me for a career in the international development sector. I soon realized that theory and conjecture are not enough, for one must be able to apply their studies. Given the complex nature of economic development, it seemed that an interdisciplinary major was not only appropriate but a necessity. Since most colleges and universities do not offer a major in Development Studies, I set out to design my own major in a way that effectively and thoroughly utilized the elegant interplay that exists between my subjects of interest. As an International Development Studies major, I study a discipline that applies the technical and quantitative methods of economics and statistics toward the distinctly human challenges that plague much of the developing world: poverty, economic stagnation, and social inequality. Drawing heavily from the fields of International Relations and Economics as well as African history, Statistics, and Sociology, the result is a single major that provides the interdisciplinary knowledge and skills required to approach the multifaceted issue of sustainable economic growth and development.

My coursework at [college] was heavily influenced by development studies curriculum even before I had officially declared my major. During my first year, I enrolled in several history and political science courses that provided the foundations necessary for a holistic approach to studying developing economies. That same year, I was accepted into a study abroad program at the University of Oxford, where I studied African politics and applied development economics. The experience fulfilled and invigorated me in a way that I had not experienced back at [college].

Having spent several semesters at a liberal arts college, I have come to realize that my needs and expectations are better suited for a large university. While I have nothing but praise for the academic experience that [college] has to offer, the interdisciplinary nature of my studies requires a degree of course specificity that [college] does not offer. Although I gained much from my studies at [college], I desire greater depth and understanding that cannot be satisfied by generic international relations and economics courses alone. At the University of Washington, I will have access to a multitude of relevant courses within an atmosphere that complements rather than impedes my undergraduate aspirations.

In a world where over one billion people live on less than one dollar per day, it seems that most of affluent society has all but forgotten those in need. I have made it my life's ambition to be an exception to this statement. But ambition is not enough, for ambition without action rarely leads to progress. C. S. Lewis once wrote, "We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road." As a transfer student, I find Lewis' observation encouraging. It is time to start again and follow the path that will allow me to accomplish my expectations and ambitions. The path leads through the University of Washington and I am ready to move forward.
ARStewart   
Jan 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Stereotyped; Nerds & Geeks, embrace or reject? [6]

Hello,

I like the topic and I think that you have a good start. However, I have a few suggestions:
You are somewhat informal in the way you describe nerds and geeks, utilizing a "train of thought" writing style that, in my opinion, could be better utilized without coming across as too informal. For example, the following sentence:

"I have met and experienced some people that are straight A's students, nose in a book, super smart people and as well as outgoing and are socializing with everyone."

Could be made more concise and formal in this way:
"I have met so-called "nerds" - the straight A's students, the bookworms, generally super smart people - who are, contrary to the stereotypical anti-social nerd, outgoing and sociable with just about everyone."

Likewise, be aware of verb tenses and run-on sentences. For example, the following sentence is grammatically incorrect:
"I have learned that from my best friend, she is also pursuing Electrical Engineering in University of Southern California and she is the one who motivated me into considering this without any stereotypes."

I would suggest:
"My views of nerds and geeks have been shaped by my best friend, an Electrical Engineering student at USC, who motivated and influenced me by breaking the stereotypes that typically define her and those like her."

Good luck!
ARStewart   
Jan 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Stereotyped; Nerds & Geeks, embrace or reject? [6]

Hello again,
By "train of thought" I mean that your essay seems to be written in a way that resembles your internal thought processes rather than in a more formal, linear manner. While train of thought writing can be great if utilized within a context that benefits from the style, I suggest that you use a more traditional voice for the purpose of an application essay.

The following suggestions are just my opinion and I recommend that you use these suggestions as examples rather than necessary changes:

The word "nerds" and "geeks" are both applied to people that are known in society for being anti-social and very smart people.

Try to be more abrupt and less summarizing, catch the attention of the reader.
"Nerd. Geek. Dweeb. These are the words used to describe a group of individuals, usually very bright, whose passions and interests oftentimes belie their true abilities in the eyes of a society that unfairly stereotypes them as aloof and anti-social."

As people emphasize it that they are very "geeky" or "nerdy" looking people, that they wear glasses and have nerdy clothes on. Well, I strongly reject that kind of stereotype because it is not a way to judge people just by their appearance or their looks.

Avoid run-on sentences and organize your thoughts in a way that clearly demonstrates what you are trying to say.
"The terms "nerdy" and "geeky" can describe one's interests, sense of fashion (or lack thereof), or personality, but I strongly reject such labels. The fact is that people are too complex and multifaceted to be so easily stereotyped into a single overlying group when, in reality, the individuals that comprise that group have little in common except for a shared interest in the pursuit of knowledge and learning."

Refer to my notes in my previous post for the remainder of the essay.

In terms of content, I suggest that you focus more on yourself and less on other individuals. I did not learn much about you as a person and I think that you have the opportunity to express your interests and beliefs using this topic. Are you a nerd? Do you relish or loathe this designation? How has it shaped and affected your studies? Etc.

Hopefully this was all clear. Good luck and feel free to let me know if you want further explanation.
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