ARStewart
Jan 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my GPA would definitely soar' - Common Emerson College [2]
Hello, I hope that you find these suggestions helpful. I am at work so I only had time to work on the introductory paragraph, but I will try to come back to your essay later.
Until entering college, I had little difficulty getting what I wanted using nothing but sheer determination. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a rut since the start of my college career. .
Using the word "always" implies that you continue to have no difficulty getting what you want. You contradict your opening statement in the next sentence, so I changed it a bit to be more accurate.
I have changed from major to major, unsure of what it was that I wished to do with my life. I was dissatisfied with the institution in which I had enrolled, yet I continued to persevere out of comfort. Although it offered a "traditional" college experience and it was close to home, I found myself becoming used to living in a shell. I was not living out my dreams like I had promised I would.
You should avoid any negative comments directed at your current institution. Admissions folks tend to frown upon that. Likewise, you should work on connecting your thoughts and statements in ways that flow a bit better.
General comments:
Avoid using slang or informal language ("I will soar..." "mommy and daddy..." etc.)
Be more particular or detailed regarding important statements that sum you up as a candidate (internship opportunities, for example)
Avoid contradicting yourself and hyperbole ("this is the only college I have ever laid eyes on...")
Good luck!
Hello, I hope that you find these suggestions helpful. I am at work so I only had time to work on the introductory paragraph, but I will try to come back to your essay later.
Until entering college, I had little difficulty getting what I wanted using nothing but sheer determination. Unfortunately, I have found myself in a rut since the start of my college career. .
Using the word "always" implies that you continue to have no difficulty getting what you want. You contradict your opening statement in the next sentence, so I changed it a bit to be more accurate.
I have changed from major to major, unsure of what it was that I wished to do with my life. I was dissatisfied with the institution in which I had enrolled, yet I continued to persevere out of comfort. Although it offered a "traditional" college experience and it was close to home, I found myself becoming used to living in a shell. I was not living out my dreams like I had promised I would.
You should avoid any negative comments directed at your current institution. Admissions folks tend to frown upon that. Likewise, you should work on connecting your thoughts and statements in ways that flow a bit better.
General comments:
Avoid using slang or informal language ("I will soar..." "mommy and daddy..." etc.)
Be more particular or detailed regarding important statements that sum you up as a candidate (internship opportunities, for example)
Avoid contradicting yourself and hyperbole ("this is the only college I have ever laid eyes on...")
Good luck!