Undergraduate / Absent parents / Taekwondo - I cant decide which essay to use for my common app essay... [10]

What are the requirements for the essay? I like the first one better. The second one would require quite a bit of editing.

Undergraduate / Commonapp personal essay--not enough "me"? [8]

I think this is a great essay. My suggestions for improving it:
Be sure to leave a space after each period.
Where you said "She is an outcast, walking on the edge of the city. What she needs is not compassion, but love and care.", it is unclear how this fits with what came before it. Did you mean to say something like "It was at that moment I realized that she was an outcast..." ? Also, you changed tense in those sentences, talking about her in past tense and then in present tense.

There's a start. I hope this helps! :)