Scholarship / Scholarship Introduction: Right to the point or an anecdote? [6]

I've been shortlisted for 3 scholarships covering the same criteria. This is currently my introduction. Any ways to improve it? Make it stand out? I was hoping for the second paragraph to write about my personal experiences that has shaped me as the person as i am, or should i incorporate that in the introduction?

I am presently writing about my desire to apply for the ___________ scholarship. Currently I am a first year university student undertaking a Bachelor in Commerce and Arts which I believe will aid me towards a future in Human Resource, expand my knowledge base and to travel. Throughout high school I've participated in extracurricular activities, including valuable volunteer experiences. I have striven for academic excellence which has been reflected upon my results in the HSC. In addition I have undertaken work experience during my senior year of study as a means of broadening my skills and knowledge outside a school environment.