Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - 'The importance of games for adults comparing to children' [8]

Hi,
your essay has good ideas and many examples. My suggestion is that you could write more words in your examples.
I rewrite some parts of your paragraphs and make it more concise and straightforward.
Hope it might be helpful to convey your ideas! ^__^"

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As people grow up, they begin to argue the importance of games. For Some adults, they think they should play games as children do. However, in my opinion, games are less important for adults for following reasons.

First, games become unnecessary for adults when their careers begin. Someone may argue that games help adults relax and balance their work and life. However, the pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their lifelong hobbies. As a result, they have no time to play their favorite games anymore. For example, in my country, most people stop playing games seriously as soon as they find a decent job. They even feel that playing games would ruin their enjoyable daily lives..

Second, adults losing their passions on playing games. In general, adults do not pursue games as a competitive activity, while children are always keen on competition and winning. For youths, their desire to winning a game often develops many outstanding characteristics. For instance, my younger sister likes fencing, and she never gives up when facing a difficult situation, or even get hurt. In contrast to youths, adults often consider their behaviors as childish, and drop their games. In addition, people who have job always find it is difficult to cooperate with competitive colleagues. Therefore, they no longer play games for any moderate achievements and gradually lose their interest in such activities.

To sum up, adults need to play games, but their passions and persuasions are often distinct from children's, which are often competitive and more enjoyable. Along with the high requirement for family and work, people might think games are just some leisure activities for adults instead of something necessary that they are meant to be for children.

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Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - 'The importance of games for adults comparing to children' [8]

Hello, Nguyen,
I am sorry for my rough evaulation above. Here are some details.
First, to better convey your ideas, you could transfer "nominalization" into pure subjects and verbs. (ex. "arguements" about something => argue about something). Doing so can help readers get your points easily.

Next, you would better avoid writing exceptions and deviations. For example, in your writing, you wrote "except for XXX" in second paragraph, "whether they participate XXX or not" in third one, and "adults do need to play games" in your conclusion. These ideas might mislead your readers and make your standpoints suspicious.

At last, if you have time to write more, you could enlarge your introduction and give readers more time to get your opinion. This might show your consideration for your readers and catch their eyes.

All in all, your essay has deep thoughts and good examples. I marked my suggestions in your essay attached below and hope they are helpful for you to write enticing essays.

Good luck!
Matt

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As people grow up, they begin to argue about the importance of games. For Some adults , they think they should play games as children do. However, in my opinion, games are less important for adults for several reasons.

First, games become unnecessary for adults when their careers begin. The pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their lifelong hobbies; they cannot spend as much time and effort to their favorite games as they did in 15 or 20 years ago. For example, in my country, most people stop playing games seriously as soon as they find jobs. Although some people may argue that games help them relax after work and become more balanced in life, they soon feel that such games become more troublesome if they want an enjoyable lives.

Second, adults lose their passions for playing games. In general, adults do not pursue games as competitive activities, while children are always keen on competition and winning. For youths, their desire to winning games often develops many outstanding characteristics. For example, my younger sister likes fencing, and she never gives up when facing a difficult situation, or even get hurt. On the other hand, adults often consider such insistence as childish. In addition, people who have jobs always find it is difficult to cooperate with competitive colleagues. Therefore, they no longer play games for any moderate achievements, and gradually lose their interests in such activities.

To sum up, since their lifestyles are so distinct from children's, adults often show less competitive and enjoyable in playing games. Along with high requirements for family and work, people might think games are just some leisure activities for adults instead of something necessary that they are meant to be for children.