Undergraduate / Personal essay for Common App ("how I felt when I first came to Canada") [3]

Hey everyone, please help me with this essay to see if there is anything wrong with it. thanks!

I am the student sitting in the empty staircase, lonely, scared and ridiculed. Everyday, I have to endure the bombardment of constant laughter and giggles from others, resonating and amplifying inside my head, until my mind turns blank and into total despair. I have no friends because other students think I am strange, I have no one to turn to because I didn't speak their language, furthermore, I am mad at myself because I am not good enough in school. I was always an excellent student in China. All of this is leading me into a downward spiral.

This was how I felt when I first came to Canada. Everything that was familiar to me, my language, and my friends, were gone and I was hurled into a strange country with people speaking a strange language, and with no friends. I became extremely antisocial, depressed and hated the fact that I was different. I didn't participate in social activities of any kind, and books were my best friends. Most of this was driven by fear of humiliation and rejection.

After about half a year later, my English improved and I gradually made more friends. School became enjoyable and no longer a prison. However, past experiences still stuck me and I didn't have enough confidence to become a leader. Things started to change in high school, however, when I ran for the Class Representative. It was very hard on me at first and it was a catastrophe the first time I spoke in front of my class. My heart was about to beat out of my throat, my body was shaking out of control, sweat was running down my back and my throat was so dry that my voice crackled, even worse, the butterflies in my stomach made me want to throw up. I won however, and this victory changed me forever. I was so surprised by my victory. For the first time, I overcame my fear and fulfilled my responsibilities to represent and lead the class for various activities, such as fund raisers for united way and school spirit days. Through countless challenges, encouragements from friends and my family, and success, I gained confidence. I became very open and outgoing, my interactions with other students allowed me to gain new knowledge and perspectives, and I became passionate about making a difference.

This initial success lead me into joining and starting other organizations that were more challenging but allowed me make bigger differences, this included representing the entire student body of my school at the city level, and starting a key club at to develop leadership in other and to provide service to the school and community. I made a difference in my school by giving students at my school a voice to decide on things that are most important to them, and in the community by volunteering to protect and restore my neighborhood park, High Park. Bit by bit, my leadership skills improved until I was able to become a true leader who was able to plan, organize, motivate others, and accomplish complex tasks that often require problem solving skills and continuous focus. Challenges began to thrill me as I used it to better myself. I went beyond what is necessary of me and took on initiatives that others didn't and changed myself in the process.

The more involved I became, the more I realized how much I enjoyed it, and the more I was able to meet new people with different viewpoints. This allowed me to develop into someone who was open minded and was able combine and understand diverse perspectives. Being different no longer bothered me, in fact, it gave me an edge when I interact with others because I was able to build rapport much quicker with the ability to see things in their perspective. My belief in my diversity was further proven when president-elect Barrack Obama, a person with a diverse background, won the U.S Presidential Election.

High school has morphed me into a completely different person, changing me from an antisocial student into a student brimming with confidence and charisma. However, the transformation is not complete and I am ready to further transform myself in university beyond who I am today and into who I want to be.

Undergraduate / UPenn Undergrad Supp Essay (Why Wharton is right for me) [3]

Please help me improve this essay, any comments/edits are welcome!

many thanks!

Thank you guys so much!!! Here is my updated version with changes suggested from essayforums and a few of my own changes.

A diverse student body, opportunities to develop my leadership skills and rigorous program that would prepare me for the real world. These are three important factors that I look for in a university and the Wharton School at University of Pennsylvania offers everything that I am looking for, and exceeds my expectations.

I am Canadian with Chinese background, and from a young age, I've learned to combine all aspects of my personal identity and to take advantage of it by using it as a way to establish a quicker and stronger rapport with other students and professors alike. Diversity in a university is very important to me because it allows me to further develop my interpersonal skills by interacting with other students who are as diverse as I am and it allows me to see things in a broader perspective. The Wharton School offers unsurpassed diversity from its diverse student body and professors to its strong emphasis on international study, including exchange to other world class institutions such as INSEAD. Being Canadian, I would love to have an opportunity such as this to further improve my French language skills. This would also give me a strong foundation from which which I can build upon and increase my interpersonal skills. This will give me an advantage in the real world since business is all about interactions with others.

The Wharton School also promotes leadership development. Ever since I was elected as the class representative in high school, I realized how much I loved being a leader. Being a leader meant that I could combine others' knowledge with mine, and make a difference as a team. I also realized that as a leader, I faced more challenges and responsibilities, which helped me better myself in the the process. The Wharton School has long been able to provide its students with leadership opportunities, such as student-run conferences. With joining many clubs, such as the the General Management Club and the Entrepreneurship Club, and participating in their conferences, I can broaden my views and emerge as a truly knowledgeable student familiar with every aspect of business. By joining these conferences, I will also be able to express my viewpoints and to lead others so they could have a broader horizon. With so many opportunities to observe others and reflect upon myself, I believe that Wharton would allow me to become a much more capable leader.

I am also interested in an intense and rigorous academic program to prepare me for the real world, and Wharton offers everything I am looking for. Wharton's courses of study are not only intense and rigorous in terms of difficulty but also in terms of the different, more hands-on approach to learning business. The courses contain a good mixture of cases, lectures and projects, this would allow me to explore business concepts freely and experiment intelligently. In the end, all of the courses will shape me into a sharp, capable and savvy person who is competitive in today's world. The Wharton School also has an unsurpassed alumni network that includes people successful in e very stage of business. Studying at Wharton and eventually joining the network would allow me to connect with these people and to be inspired by them.

Having everything that I wanted in a university, a diverse student body, leadership developments opportunities, and a rigorous academic program, Wharton exceeded my expectations with its historic campus, passionate professors and a real sense of a close-knit community. By studying at Wharton, I would able to weave myself into this community, grow, and eventually come out as developed, mature and competitive person ready to take on whatever this world has for me.