Undergraduate / 'finding delight in activities I endeavor' -How would you benefit the community? [17]

I think it's just a little unbalanced; your section about karate and perseverance could be a small essay in itself and your section about patience and origami is just a line. Personally, I want to hear more about your origami. I think you should detail a time when you couldn't figure out where to make a fold in an incredibly complicated structure and were willing to wait days until the answer presented itself to you. You could also detail the difference between perseverance and patience, because they sound very similar right now. To remove some of the words, take out some of the conversational segments of the "risk-taking" section. I don't think the "May seem hilarious to you, but..." is necessary. Just go into why it made you feel silly, scared, and how you overcame the risks inherent in cooking and ended up with a reward. I like the idea of this essay a lot. Good luck!