Undergraduate / "Representative Powers" - UF application essay [NEW]

This is my essay for the UF application, was wondering if somebody could please give me input on anything that needs work, to be changed etc. The essay prompt is to describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. Here is my essay:

"Representative Powers". With the sound of my name I shakily rose out of my chair and fumbled with the microphone cord, struggling somewhat to get it out of the stand. "Representative Powers", I said, lifting the microphone to my mouth,"Treasure Coast Delegation, I rise to speak in favor of this bill". My voice was surprisingly unwavering despite my nervousness. I looked around to see fellow delegates and chapter members staring encouragingly at me, along with the rest of the room. I looked in the stands above me and saw the two teachers who are the supervisors of our club as well as my dad, who had come to support me, smiling at me encouragingly.Suddenly, I felt a new surge of confidence. This is it, I thought, you can do it. As I began to speak, my argument seemed to flow out of me. Overall, talking in front of a mock legislative assembly was a lot easier than I expected, and as I talked my voice and confidence seemed to grow stronger, until I had the attention of everyone in the room. When I finally came to an end, I gave a calm "Thank you", yielded the rest of my time to the chair, and sat down with relief. Some of the other members from my chapter that were sitting around me congratulated me on my willing to stand up and speak for the bill, and in turn, represent our club. I looked up again, and saw my father beaming at me with pride.

This was the first time I experienced Youth In Government, a program that has changed my life. As soon as I sat down in the cushioned leather seats of the Capitol building I knew I had found a new passion. As a participant for 2 years, I have been able to attend the Y.I.G. State assembly, held in Tallahassee. There I am able to take part in a legislative program almost completely run by people my age. As a member of the mock House of Representatives, I was able to discuss and create new ideas that would change the state for the better, relating to ideas for environmental safety to energy efficiency to child protection.

According to my dad, I come from a family of leaders, going as far back as my grandfather. They both were involved in the community, rising to positions on various committees and boards, trying to benefit various aspects of our community. With Youth In Government, I feel like I am carrying on this trait, becoming a part of a new generation of leaders, thinkers, active members of society. On that first day of State Assembly, I could almost feel my granddad's spirit in the room, looking on with my dad as I nervously spoke into the microphone , debating the ideas of future leaders.

If accepted into UF, I will carry on this spirit of responsibility and leadership that I have taken away from the YIG program. I will also bring with me the passion instilled in me from it as well as the initiative and duty that I learned from my dad , and through him, my grandfather.

Undergraduate / 'Taking charge of whatever I do to realize my potential' - UCF admission [2]

OK here is the prompt:

Essay: The personal statements are a very important part of your application. They assist the university in knowing you as an individual, independent of test scores and other objective data. We ask that you respond to two of the topics below. Your personal statement should be no longer than a total of 500 words or 7000 characters for both statements combined. The best personal statements are not necessarily the longest ones.

If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?
Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

I choose 1 and 4. I know you are busy so thank you for grammatically reviewing this but could you also tell me if they are structurally ok and if it is a good topic/idea? Thank you so much!

1. Last year I entered junior year of the International Baccalaureate program at my high school. Seniors and teachers alike had warned me how academically challenging and rigorous it would be should I choose to stay in the program. I took their advice into account, but I had no idea how unprepared I was. That year was the most stressful time ever in my years of schooling. It was very different from the past two years of the IB experience, and the rigorous workload was a big shock for me to handle. At the time I was involved in volleyball , work, volunteering, and other extra curriculars and I was not balancing it all very well. There were so many times that I broke down and just wanted to quit. In highly stressful situations I tend to get anxiety attacks because my nervous system is constantly running on high and I became extremely nervous under high workload conditions. This hindered me greatly in my struggle to complete the coursework and attain my IB diploma. However, I kept going and slowly, very slowly, I started to improve. I learned to study more efficiently , and to manage my time between all aspects of my life evenly. By the end of the year I had managed to raise the grades in all of my classes to A's and B's. I also found ways to combat my panic attacks by taking up activities such as running to reduce my stress levels. Now I am a senior IB candidate who expects to gain my IB diploma in May.

4. Overall, I am glad to have participated in the IB program because it has taught me so much about myself and the world, ideas that I believe could be a great addition if I am accepted into UCF. I have come to be a much stronger person, both academically and in my personal life because of IB. It has turned me into a diligent student as well as a more well-rounded and open-minded person, and if admitted to UCF I will continue to uphold these ideals throughout my time there. Aside from my dedication to my academics, I also have passion instilled in me from the other asects of my life including the extracurriculars I participate in such as sports and leadership positions. For this reason I know that I will take charge of whatever I do and fulfill it to my greatest potential. Throughout my life challenges have been set forth to me by many different conditions, and the objectives and standards at UCF set a high ideal for me to achieve my goals and pave the way for my future.