Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer- Guitar and Exposure to Jazz in Music Club [2]

I really like it! You explain everything in full details, well done! I wouldn't add or suppress anything.

Undergraduate / 'a beach near Istanbul' - Williams supplemental essay [6]

Thank you! I'll try and see what I can do with it

Undergraduate / 'a beach near Istanbul' - Williams supplemental essay [6]

I think it is more a reflection of the scene and the significance of it to me. I'm going to try to make it clearer.

Thank you so much! I'll edit it and post it in this thread again

Undergraduate / Common App Work Experience - working at a car repair shop [4]

Hi,
I get what liebe said. Try not to explain everything so much and cut some words. For instance: my father got informed from one of the workers that the shop needed help. Not knowing that your father knows the worker does not hurt the content.

Undergraduate / Common App: Extracurricular Activities (Volunteer at Hospital) [5]

I definitely prefer the second one! Not talking about your major enables us to connect your motivation and your volunteer experience: you were motivated because of what you saw rather than what you intend to study. Great editing!

Undergraduate / 'a beach near Istanbul' - Williams supplemental essay [6]

Some time two summers ago, I was walking on a beach near Istanbul. The sand felt hot and soft between my toes. I observed my family. My grandmother was embracing my mother, as a mother would embrace her baby. I smiled. This embrace reflects the closeness of our unity, a closeness that is part of our history, of who we are. This closeness characterizes us. I feel honored for the heritage these women transmitted to me. A Turkish heritage. My family is who I am, without it I do not exist. My life is devoted to protect, respect, and love it. I study until I have no sense of my environment, until I contract an insurmountable headache, until my eyes are blurry, for my family. My grandmother, Regam, welcomed my two-year-old mother, a product of an infidelity from my grandfather, with open arms. They were never wealthy. Regam used to create her children's outfits, to save everything to offer them a good education. At the age of eighteen, my mother moved from Istanbul to Paris with 80 dollars and without speaking a word of French. After three years, she became manager of a night-club and got a degree in economics. From an early age, I was the secret holder of her past, the years preceding my birth. Her past was unknown to anyone except her family in Turkey and me. It made me closer to her. My mother built her life to give back the kindness, the protection, and the tolerance Regam provided her. It is now my turn to sacrifice everything so my mother can rest.

I edited this for now. I feel like I cannot really specify what my sacrifice is though because my it will be determined by my future. My hours of study, getting an education is on the path of getting everything back to my mother for now in a way.

Undergraduate / A Passing View - Williams Supplement Essay [3]

I have to agree with tallyndow, beautiful imagery! and the way you connected everything. Your last sentence connects it all for me, never try to cut it!