Undergraduate / 'With my older brother' - Texas State Admissions [3]

The essay is a good start but there is some revising that needs to take place. There are a number of sentences that begin with "And" which need to be taken out. For example:

And then I saw a gradual improvement by him obeying my parent's rules and realizing what he needs to accomplish in his life to be successful. He improved so much that my parents let him go to college in San Antonio so he can achieve his life goals.

Instead you can change it to say: Then, I saw a gradual imrpovement of my brother as he began obeying my parents rules...