Writing Feedback / GRE essay (Science and Art) [2]

Hello everyone. I am about to take the GRE exam this coming april 2009. My native language is not english. I have to improve my essay writing. Please comment on my essay. I really need help. I will submit several essays for my practice. This is my first essay:

Issue essay "Science tends to contribute to the stability of society. Art tends to destabilize society. This complementary relationship embodies their value."

In my own opinion, a stable society is a society wherein people live harmoniously, enjoying material abundance, and physical comfort. A society becomes less stable when people experience scarcity and unable to acquire the things that provides physical comfort such as food, clothing, shelter, and technology. For example, an increase in population can result to a rise in unemployment and/or under employment, increase crime rate, scarcity of food, and decrease privilege to education. Overpopulation and economic crises are closely link. Advances in research plays a significant role, for instance in the control of population. There are many different ways to control the increase in population ranging from pills to injectible hormones and many more. But to a large extent, scientist advance researches to accommodate the growing population. The invention of processed food, the discovery of genetically modified organisms, the manufacture of synthetic vitamins, and other drugs tend to destabilize society by increasing the risk to diseases. The negative impact of advancing technology to society defines how science contributes to destabilizing the society.

On the other hand, the statement mentions the role of art in destabilizing society. Art may take in many forms such as entertainment. Medium of entertainment such as movies, televisions, radios, and newspapers contribute to the stability as well as destability of the society. For example, there are employment opportunities in entertainment industries. However, media can be a negative influence to the society and may vitiate the society's culture and tradition. For instance, media plays a significant role in influencing how contemporary society should behave. The portrayal of crime scenes in movies and televisions may contribute to the increase in crime rate in the society.

The role of science and art therefore, may have positive and negative effects to the society.

Writing Feedback / Nature and nurture essay research (GRE exam) [2]

Topic: Nature and not nurture shapes personality

I am practicing to write effectively to prepare for my upcoming GRE essay exam. Please comment on the use of my prepositions and sentence structure and transitions. Thanks

The contention that inherited factors, rather than environmental influences, are primarily responsible for the formation of the personality is an enticing argument. The position statement mentions 'personality' as if it were a well-defined and static phenomenon, whereas, it is difficult even for experts to define what constitutes personality (introduction from GRE reviewer.)

It may be more accurate to say, not that people inherited particular personality traits, rather people inherited a range of emotional and intellectual character. The personality of a person is extremely complex to classify and categorize. The statement contains an illusory false dilemma that does not consider the complex structure of personality. For instance, environmental factors contribute to whether these inborn characters are expressed or not-or perhaps if some of these characters are expressed at all. It is also impossible to delineate what characters are inherited and what are products of the environment.

Some may wish to object to my position in this argument that personality factors are a product of a person's genetic characteristics and not environmental influences. The statement that nature shapes personality may be suspecting when viewed in light of a few simple examples. For instance, people sometimes obviously make rational decisions that go against their values in their upbringing or some people's style of fashion are anachronistic with contemporary society. I believe that personality is a product of nature and nurture.

For example, my eldest brother, Pit and my younger brother, Oliver couldn't be less alike. Pit is a year older than Oliver. They grew up together in the same environment in our old town and went to the same school having the same circle of friends. They love to hang out with friends. Pit enjoys playing tennis and biking and Oliver, billiards. Both Pit and Oliver are academically competitive, Pit is more inclined in logical reasoning, abstract, and creative writing while Oliver excel more in arts. They both love jazz and rock music but only Pit appreciates classical music. Pit is the quiet type, more of intrapersonal, and Oliver, interpersonal. Oliver is gregarious, outgoing, and sociable. Oliver is more vocal and dominates in a conversation while Pit is the silent type, uncommunicative, and habitually disinclined to talk. In rough times, Oliver easily wince at pain and inclined to complain while Pit bears his troubles bravely, never ask for sympathy, never yield to sorrow. Pit is an omnivorous reader, a wide variety of topics interests him from science fiction, national geographic, readers digest to travel journal and leisure magazines. Oliver only appreciates political issues. Both my brothers have similar characteristics but have unique traits and behavior when alone and with friends.

Personality shaping, therefore is a product of both nature and nurture and it is difficult to describe which of the following characteristics influences the other.