hayhill
Oct 29, 2012
Undergraduate / University of South Florida Essay about extracurricular achievements--feedback [2]
There is an internal metronome ticking inside of me [the thing that makes this sentence sound awkward is that you said "internal" and "inside of me" - inside of me is redundant because that's what internal means. you could take out internal, or take out inside of me and rephrase the sentence - "I have an internal metronome" or something] . At the sound of the final beat my pointed toes dash across the floor and then suddenly leap into thin air. Within a split second, I feel a set of hands catch my torso and with a pop of my leg, I have nailed a perfect lift. With the landing however, there is a quick twist and then the weight of my body falls to the ground. Tears rush to my eyes as I cradle my foot. There are only five minutes till show time. Five other faces surround me with looksthat representof utter fear. Slowly, I begin to rise. I place pressure upon my foot and pain surges through my body. Despite this, I performed that night. I performed better than I ever had before. [in the last two sentences, you switched tenses from present to past.]
My dedication to the theatre was never once questioned. I was always the one who volunteered to spend twelve or more hours at school running a technical event or who could be spotted running up and down the stairs of the performing arts building making sure that everyone and everything was okay. That year [which year?] also consisted of learning the true meaning of ensemble. Throughout[I think changing throughout to 'during' might sound better, but I think that's more of a personal preference than an actual error] the many events that I was in, I learned that despite many obstacles and differences, a performance is never complete unless everyone is fully willing to be a team player. Alone, I was just a youthful voice with a graceful stature, but with a team, I could transform into any character imaginable. Together, we succeeded.
The people in the theatre department became much more than just a team to me, though: they became my support system and my family. If it were not for them, I would never have been the person or the performer that I am today. At the end of the year, my hard work was recognized when I was elected as the Vice President of the theatre department and received the highest achievable award of "Most Valuable Thespian." Although the award was given at a singular level, I know that I could have never achieved so much if it was not for the shared help and support of my department.
I could have easily chosen not to perform the night I injured myself. However, theatre teaches two concepts. First, when the going gets tough, always persevere and fully commit. Secondly, despite what you may be alone, you will always be greater with the love and support of your family.
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watch out for "to be" verbs - they weaken your writing. overall i think it's a good essay, though. it highlights that you did theatre and the opening narrative shows real dedication. one last thing you might want to specify is if by "theatre" you mean exclusively dancing or acting as well.
There is an internal metronome ticking inside of me [the thing that makes this sentence sound awkward is that you said "internal" and "inside of me" - inside of me is redundant because that's what internal means. you could take out internal, or take out inside of me and rephrase the sentence - "I have an internal metronome" or something] . At the sound of the final beat my pointed toes dash across the floor and then suddenly leap into thin air. Within a split second, I feel a set of hands catch my torso and with a pop of my leg, I have nailed a perfect lift. With the landing however, there is a quick twist and then the weight of my body falls to the ground. Tears rush to my eyes as I cradle my foot. There are only five minutes till show time. Five other faces surround me with looks
My dedication to the theatre was never once questioned. I was always the one who volunteered to spend twelve or more hours at school running a technical event or who could be spotted running up and down the stairs of the performing arts building making sure that everyone and everything was okay. That year [which year?] also consisted of learning the true meaning of ensemble. Throughout[I think changing throughout to 'during' might sound better, but I think that's more of a personal preference than an actual error] the many events that I was in, I learned that despite many obstacles and differences, a performance is never complete unless everyone is fully willing to be a team player. Alone, I was just a youthful voice with a graceful stature, but with a team, I could transform into any character imaginable. Together, we succeeded.
The people in the theatre department became much more than just a team to me, though: they became my support system and my family. If it were not for them, I would never have been the person or the performer that I am today. At the end of the year, my hard work was recognized when I was elected as the Vice President of the theatre department and received the highest achievable award of "Most Valuable Thespian." Although the award was given at a singular level, I know that I could have never achieved so much if it was not for the shared help and support of my department.
I could have easily chosen not to perform the night I injured myself. However, theatre teaches two concepts. First, when the going gets tough, always persevere and fully commit. Secondly, despite what you may be alone, you will always be greater with the love and support of your family.
-
watch out for "to be" verbs - they weaken your writing. overall i think it's a good essay, though. it highlights that you did theatre and the opening narrative shows real dedication. one last thing you might want to specify is if by "theatre" you mean exclusively dancing or acting as well.
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