Posts by tycheongster

tycheongster

Feb 9, 2009

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]

Lead: Recent advancements have been happening so rapidly, with new possibilities emerging faster than they can be realized, that we forgot just how slowly it all began. It's hard to believe that thirty years ago there were no personal computers, but the most amazing thing of all is that it happened by accident "because a bunch of disenfranchised nerds wanted to impress their friends" (Cringley). This is the story of smart decisions and thievery. Picasso once said, "Good artists copy, great artists steal." This is how a handful of guys launched an industrial revolution, changed the culture of business, and made history.

Conclusion: The computer had made its mark everywhere in society and built up a huge industry (Roy 174). The future is promising for the computer industry and its technology. Surely, the computer has impacted every aspect of people's lives, and we can thank the nerds of Silicon Valley for this. The computer has affected the way people work and play, and it's also the very thing I wrote this paper with. Indeed, the computer is one of the greatest inventions in history. Could you imagine your life without computers? They are integrated into our everyday lives and we take them for granted. The PC gave rise to the dot come boom and without that...well who knows?

LOL
this was done in a few minutes and it needs A LOT of work as you can see.
the first draft of the paper is due in two weeks and by then, i'd like to have at least the lead and conclusion almost perfected. theres a lot of stuff i'm suppose to include into my lead/conclusion but i just can't think of a way to do it

if you are interested in helping me please please please email me at: tycheongster@gmail.com

tycheongster

Feb 12, 2009

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]

Thanks for your feedback!
I agree that writing the introduction and conclusion last is a very nice idea, but for this particular assignment the teacher is making us follow a specific format: introduction, [body], conclusion.

If I do write the body first, followed by the introduction and conclusion, I'm not quite sure how I would be able to do that. The body of my essay is the story of the first personal computer, the rise of the PC, important people/milestones in PC history, and the brief story of the Silicon Valley. Basically, I'm telling a chronologically arranged story starting from Ed Robert's Altair until the release of Windows 95.

In my introductory paragraph, or right before that, the teacher says that it's a good idea to have a few sentences that are a 'bridge' between your reader's mind and your topic. I feel like I'm starting right away with information about my topic but I don't really know how else to start the paragraph. Any ideas? Also, after reading my introduction over again, I noticed that I don't have a clear thesis statement that 'tells the main point of the information I present'. After getting feedback from some friends, I realize that I need some sort of clincher. My teacher says to make the clincher long enough so I really get to make a good point, but it should NOT stay on the same topic as my essay. I'm totally clueless on how to do this...

With the 'dot com boom, and without that...well, who knows?' part, I'm trying to say that computers have had such a significant impact on us and led to many other new technologies that help our everyday lives. According to my teacher, the 'who knows?' is not a bad way to end my conclusion, but I should keep going with it and make a point.

While I know what I'm suppose to do to fix-up my introduction and conclusion, the words just don't come to mind. I would greatly appreciate it if one of you can give some ideas, or maybe rearrange/rewrite some sentences to give me a good start!

Thanks ahead of time!

tycheongster

Feb 13, 2009

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]

Kevin,
Actually, I do have my body already written, but it is the introduction and conclusion that I need help on the most.
I'm really considering following the body first, then introduction and conclusion. You say how can I help but start off by writing about what I'm writing about, but if I put my body paragraphs in the very start of the paper, wouldn't that still be 'starting away with information about my topic'? What would be the 'bridge' sentence(s), if any?

Sean,
The reason I'm telling this story is because I'm a bit of a computer geek. Its also such a rich and interesting history and my readers should care because this is the story of the personal computer which ended up affecting many aspects of our lives. My thesis should contain this information, and also a brief look into what my essay will be about or was about?

While I know what information needs to go into my thesis, I can't seem to put it into words. My teacher is grading heavily on the thesis.

tycheongster

Feb 19, 2009

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]

Sean,
Thanks for your help on my thesis, I really appreciate it. But, I'm not so sure I can make my thesis 'provoke disagreement' simply because this paper is on the history of the personal computer, history that is definite and can't exactly be proven wrong. The talk about whether or not the PC's affect in our lives is a whole different topic.

Kevin,
Yes, that 'hook' is exactly the bridge I was talking about! You just gave me some really great ideas!

But back to that body first, then intro/conclusion format... If I start off with one of my bodies, I would still need that 'hook'. Wouldn't adding in this hook to the body paragraph in a way make it an introductory paragraph? I think that since my paper isn't necessarily an essay, but a story, it'd be better to just follow the intro-body-conclusion format. I'll be sure to try the body-intro/conclusion format in my next 'real' essay.

You guys have been extremely helpful!