pinkmonkey
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Why CMU? It's a paradise in my heart / CMU Supplement [5]
Hi,
I like how well you incorporated Carnegie Mellon into your essay. You said, "I made the vow to pledge my life and honor to computer science when I was 13." and then continued onto how you tried to pursue cs despite obstacles but you never clearly said why you liked cs and what made you want to pledge your life to honor computer science. Without these reason, your pledge seems to be abrupt. Also, your essay is too long, I suggest you cut down the descriptions of how your junior high school was really test orientated. You can say that in fewer sentences.
Hi,
I like how well you incorporated Carnegie Mellon into your essay. You said, "I made the vow to pledge my life and honor to computer science when I was 13." and then continued onto how you tried to pursue cs despite obstacles but you never clearly said why you liked cs and what made you want to pledge your life to honor computer science. Without these reason, your pledge seems to be abrupt. Also, your essay is too long, I suggest you cut down the descriptions of how your junior high school was really test orientated. You can say that in fewer sentences.