Posts by ampersand

ampersand

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / My mother had breast cancer/ COMMON APP [11]

You use "grow" too often in your passage. Consider replacing with something more creative, i.e., "this major cultivated my interest in biology" or something similar to avoid sounding repetitive. For example, "start to grow interest" could be substituted with a less awkward phrase.

Being part of the bio-technical engineering major is a worthwhile experience. I learned about
To sound less mechanical, connect your phrases and make your passage flow.

Oncology is a relatively new field and perhaps, could utilize the touch the technology to help it progress. In order to become the best oncologist I can possibly become, I decided to choose pre-medicine, biological and biomedical sciences and biology as my choices for interest.

Be more sure about how Oncology relies on technology in order to develop the field.
The first part of your second sentence sounds cheesy, explain more how these majors will provide a foothold for your eventually going into oncology.

Overall, you wrote this passage pretty well, I would just adjust my wording in several places to avoid awkward phrasing, sounding mechanical, and sounding cliche.

Also, you need to elaborate in that final sentence. It's a little too abrupt of an ending, and it's a little too cliche.

ampersand

Dec 31, 2012

Undergraduate / "smartest girl in the world"; Brown Supp/ COMMUNITIES & GROUPS [2]

We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.

In elementary school, I had been nicknamed the "smartest girl in the world". I enjoyed it, and expected to retain this title throughout middle school. My father, however, decided to enroll me in a small and selective prep school. I entered the school, expecting to sail to the top of my class with the admiration and respect of my peers, but it initially served as more of a reality check for me than an academic stage. I had thought, rather closed-mindedly, that nobody could do better than I could and that I really was the academic savior of the student body. Needless to say, I was proved dead wrong. The school's reputation had attracted similar scholars, and I was no longer considered a genius, but "pretty smart" in comparison. I realized that I could no longer coast to the top, but had to seriously work my way to it. This environment fostered my drive to success and the tireless ambition that drove me through years of academic rigor.

Thoughts, edits, please. The application process is exhausting.