Undergraduate / I'd like to be a part of NUS; Appeal Essay for University [2]

Hi all,

First of all, thank you for taking your time to read my thread.

Here it goes...

"I would really like to be part of NUS. Even though my GPA did not meet the mark for the entrance for my intended course of study, I feel that I would still be an asset to NUS with my leadership skills and passion to serve the community.

I have volunteered to join (organisation abc), which is a youth led organisation supported by (a government statutory board). Currently, I am the Head of Welfare. Being in this organization made me think deeply about my life and want to help others, including people close to me. My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I know how it feels like to be clueless and unsure of how to react. With this, I believe that with my experiences and knowledge in peer support, not only will I be an asset to NUS, but to my peers and the community as well. In addition, I would also like to research more on mental health, so that I am able to understand my brother even better and help others out there who are facing similar circumstances.

I hope to be granted an interview to discuss how my talents can be of value."

Organisation names have been removed to protect my identity ><

Please do give me some comments on how I can improve my essay?

The word limit on this essay is 1000 characters.

If you do need any additional information to rate my essay, do reply to this thread?

Thank you very much for all your help.