sweetcocoa
Jun 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]
I think you have some very good ideas in your essay. However, I feel that some structural features and word choice could be improved.
Your introduction did not capture my attention very well, because it did not seem to inform very much. For me, the lines "The role of musicians has brought many arguments in a society. One topic of discussion is the amount of time spent on learning musical instruments. Many people claim that it is just a waste of time" maybe could be simplified to something along the lines of
"The role of music in our lives has raised many arguments in society, such as the whether time spent practicing/learning musical instruments is a just a waste of time."
or
"Some people claim that learning a musical instrument is a waste of time. However, I argue that..."
It would also be interesting to add in a reason why your opponents believe that learning music instrument would be a waste of time.
Good luck!
I think you have some very good ideas in your essay. However, I feel that some structural features and word choice could be improved.
Your introduction did not capture my attention very well, because it did not seem to inform very much. For me, the lines "The role of musicians has brought many arguments in a society. One topic of discussion is the amount of time spent on learning musical instruments. Many people claim that it is just a waste of time" maybe could be simplified to something along the lines of
"The role of music in our lives has raised many arguments in society, such as the whether time spent practicing/learning musical instruments is a just a waste of time."
or
"Some people claim that learning a musical instrument is a waste of time. However, I argue that..."
It would also be interesting to add in a reason why your opponents believe that learning music instrument would be a waste of time.
Good luck!